Champions #1

Having spent all this time with the Avengers and Doctor Strange it's time, on request from one of my loyal toleraters, to delve into one of the lesser known Marvel teams: The Champions. Featuring two X-Men, a former assassin, a demonic biker and a Greek god this is already about as batshit as we'd expect from 70s Marvel, so without further ado let's turn the pages of Champions #1!

As to be expected the cover showcases the new team, with Hercules (played, apparently, by Alan Steel) front and centre, wearing patterned leggings 40 years before they became fashionable, brown loafers and parts of a Girl Scout/Brownie type uniform. Surrounding him we have Ghost Rider, Angel, Black Widow and Iceman... and surprisingly Black Widow is the least naked person present. In true Marvel style the cover excitedly declares that it's the BEST FUCKING THING EVER... but that, as ever, remains to be seen.

THE WORLD STILL NEEDS...

Splash pages! The splash page gives us a less actiony and more psychedelic take on the cover; reminding us who's in the comic (in case we're too stoned to remember, which the Bullpen probably was) and teasingly mentioning the appearance of Venus into the bargain, which I guess makes this a crossover event between Greek and Roman mythology.

We open with Warren (Angel) and Bobby (Iceman), in their normal human guises, strolling through the UCLA campus; though they are described as 'young' in the accompanying text, Warren seems to be somewhere north of 40 and I'm not convinced that's his real hair. As they muse on how awesome Professor X was to get Bobby a scholarship a swirly thing that seems to be made from binbags appears in midair and from it, looking like the most nightmarish 60s girl band imaginable, emerge a group of harpies, who it appears are looking for Venus.

Despite there being at least three witnesses present Bobby shoots an icebolt at one of the creatures, and then turns into Iceman having reassured Warren that the people who are literally right there won't notice a thing, and definitely won't dob him in with his parents. And we also get the first of many terrible ice puns as, it appears, going into freeze mode causes Bobby's clothes to disintegrate... except, thankfully for everyone, his underpants.

Iceman fends off the harpies with a combination of ice powers and shit puns while Warren gets changes into his Angel outfit. Except he seems to have forgotten his mask and now Iceman is worried about people spotting them. Together they lay into the winged women, but before the fight can finish our point of view shifts to...

THE JOB INTERVIEW

Well, people waiting to interview for a job teaching Russian, that is. Natasha Romanoff, cunningly disguised by wearing a tweed skirt over her black catsuit, emos about her recent breakup while Handsome Joe Stalin relaxes and reassures her that she's pretty much got the job in the bag on account of being Russian. But before the interviewer can even turn up another swirly thing (sans bin bags this time) releases a group of Wonder Woman cosplayers, also demanding to see Venus. Handsome Joe punches one of the warriors on the jaw while shouting that Natasha should strip. Luckily though she actually just pulls the skirt off and pulls her wrist gadget things from her handbag so she can lay the smackdown on these interlopers.

Meanwhile, "UCLA's newest humanities professor" strolls down the corridor ready to interview the prospective Russian Language teacher, and because Marvel can't even wait one fucking panel to do the reveal, her internal monologue reveals that she, in fact, is Venus. It seems she is so lost in thought she completely fails to hear the ruckus in her office, and  blithely strolls in where she's recognised by one of the Wonder Women, and handily provides Black Widow with the distraction she needed to zap them into unconsciousness and get Venus to safety. While leaving Handsome Joe behind.

PSYCHOMANIA

Meanwhile, with the aid of narrative causality a lone biker, who's so bad ass he doesn't need a helmet or gloves, cruises by the UCLA campus wondering why everyone is running away. As a big spiked hammer is thrown at him he realises, making full use of his keen detection skills, there must be a "fracus" [sic] up ahead and Johnny Blaze, "the world's greatest stunt-rider", begins to change into the Ghost Rider!

At this point the art, already noticeably cruder than the cover thanks to a change in illustrator, starts to get really bad. Ghost Rider is confronted with a being that identifies as Cerberus... now, as any fule kno Cerberus is the three headed dog that guards the gates of Hades to prevent the dead leaving. Now, the script has got the guarding thing down, as that's exactly what Cerberus tells us he's doing... but as for his appearance?

Well, let's just imagine a third rate range of 80s sci-fi action figures based, really loosely, on Greek mythology. In the reasonably popular, but still cancelled after just one season, Saturday morning cartoon that accompanied the range, Cerberus^TM was portrayed as an impressively-armoured giant; kind of part gladiator, part Celtic warrior and all bad-ass... his deeply tanned skin contrasting well with the regal purple of his attire. Now imagine it's Christmas, and you're eight years old... you've been waiting LITERALLY MONTHS to get the He-Man^TM toys you put on your carefully scribed letter to Santa... you're practically wetting yourself with excitement as you tear apart the wrapping paper...

Only to find that a well-meaning elderly relative has bought the wrong fucking toy. Instead of Battle Armor Skeletor^TM you've got Cerberus^TM. Sure, the Olympanoids^TM cartoon was okay, but this monstrosity you're holding, with its garish blocks of solid purple armour and bright orange skin, looks like it was designed by unskilled hands after being given only a written description of the character... the poor quality of the thing is the real insult here; how can you show up at school after the holidays and pull this thing out of your backpack to show your friends? And that hypothetical toy, dear readers, is what the character of Cerberus looks like in this comic.

Anyway, back to the comic... Cerberus tells Ghost Rider that his 'master' is planning to "crush the Man-God" to which Ghost Rider responds by shooting a gout of flame into Cerberus' face. Dismayed by this hurtful treatment Cerberus turns into a giant purple dog because, as far as I can work out from the dialogue, giant purple dogs are flame-proof. At this point Ghostie realises that Cerberus is a figure from Roman mythology...

Yeah, "Roman". It's what the comic says... and the fucking dog doesn't even have three heads... so having misindentified where Cerberus is from Ghostie decides to bugger off sharpish.

HERCULES RETURNS!

While all this is going on it turns out there are parts of UCLA campus which remain unaware of the unfolding events, and by amazing coincidence one of these parts is where Hercules is about to give a lecture on Mythology... a lecture which I think Ghost Rider would do well to attend, but I digress. Hercules is here with a "lecture agent" who looks sort of like an evil Andy Warhol who is in the middle of referencing Marvel's own Conan comics when he spots a group of hideous creatures who grab Hercules from behind (hurr).

Hercules identifies the creatures as Mutates (who, presumably, are the comically inept minions of the Olympanoids^TM range) just as they declare themselves his conquerors... Herc, obviously, is having none of this shit and he throws them off before chucking the lecturers' podium at three of them, while the forth attempts a second ambush and, again, fails while also giving Herc the opportunity to boast about how he's more awesome than Thor. The fight continues through a wall, just as Ghost Rider is coincidentally riding past. No, coherent plot, you fuck off.

Ghost Rider pulls Hercules onto the Skull Cycle (not a euphemism) and the two ride into the ongoing melee between the two X-Men and the harpies which has also been joined by Black Widow, Venus (who Herc says is 'strangely familiar'... no shit...) and the Wonder Woman fan club. Just to make things worse Cerberus has caught up, so Hercules leaps off the bike to punch the purple canine in the face, while Ghost Rider spews hellfire at the harpies and Ice Man is able to freeze the Womder Women.

SHE'S GOT IT

But no sooner have we turned the page than Angel is declaring that the Amazons and Harpies are recovering from their beating and points out that the Mutates are joining in too, ably showing that in the last ten years Marvel still hasn't worked out "show, don't tell"... Venus, however, has a plan and asks Angel to fly her into the air where she reveals her true form, which is exactly the same as the other one except with shorter hems and more pink, and saves the day by using the Power of Love...

Now that we're done with the painfully contrived bringing together of this new team, they take a while to congratulate themselves and generally assess the situation, but it's not over yet because a beam, powerful enough to bring all of them down, strikes out of the blue accompanied by a disembodied voice... the new team is informed that this was all part of a bigger plan, by far more powerful beings than those who've so far been encountered and as we turn the page we  are introduced to Pluto, Lord of the Underworld!

He, wreathed in flame and flanked by two warriors, declares the purpose of his incursion... for Hercules must marry Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons, and Venus must marry Ares, God of War... and if they don't the motherfucking universe will be DESTROYED!

What happens next? Where is Handsome Joe Stalin? Why didn't Pluto just fucking ask? I have no idea... I'm moving to a "whenever I have the time" model for this blog due to the impending birth of my first child, though I'm intending to do at least one more blog post this month to coincide with the 40th anniversary of Star Wars being released in cinemas. Rest assured though, I will be returning to Champions at some point so we can all find out how this hellish soap opera ends...