Ignoring any pretence of suspense or surprise Marvel put Cap right on the cover, charging forwards with the rest of the Avengers (Hulk having resigned in #2, although he's still in the little box by the title) following close behind.
The splash page further dispenses with any notion of keeping some sense of mystery about the team's new addition, by skipping ahead of the narrative to show Thor welcoming Cap into the Avengers' ranks while a jagged box excitedly froths about how FUCKING AMAZING this all is. We're also treated to a bit of a history lesson regarding Lee and Kirby's involvement with Captain America during the Golden Age, because in pre-Wikipedia times we could only gain such information if we were given it, rather than starting to read a full article about Cap and three hours later finding ourselves learning about the GDP of Bolivia.
PREVIOUSLY ON THE AVENGERS...
The comic carries on from the previous month (which I haven't reviewed, so don't go looking for it) where Namor is finding the Avengers a bit too much to handle following the disappearance of The Hulk. Thor, (given Jack Kirby's somewhat erratic approach to perspective) seems to be taking the opportunity to throw his hammer on a curved trajectory that will soon bring it into contact with Giant Man's (formerly Ant-Man) groin.Namor escapes into the sea, not just because he can't defeat the Avengers alone, but because he also wants to be all emo about the lost Atlantean race and angry at all the humans swanning around with their wingless ankles and non-stupid eyebrows. After several hours he emerges onto some pack ice in the North Sea (wearing only his pants, he's that fucking hardcore) only to find more bloody humans!
An "isolated tribe of Eskimos" (in the North Sea, so not isolated geographically so much as from their entire people... also a really bad winter that year, given the ice.) are engaged in some sort of ritual upon the ice; praying to a man frozen in a huge icecube. Namor, deciding to be a massive dickhead instead of just going somewhere more isolated, picks up the cube and hurls it into the fucking sea, and then has another emo moment at lashing out against a bunch of harmless dudes in Parkas. In his rage the Sub-Mariner smashes the rest of the pack ice while the Eskimos flee to "the trading post".
Meanwhile the frozen man floats into the Gulf Stream, where the warmer waters thaw him out just in time for him to drift past the Avengers' submarine. Giant-Man reaches out to grab the ragged figure and as they lay him down on a cot Wasp realises that it's not just any random floating dead body, but that of...
CAPTAIN AMERICA!
Except, as we would learn for the first time if Marvel hadn't spaffed their excitement all over the cover and splash page, he's not dead! Super Soldier Serum apparently rendering him immune to not only being frozen for 18 years but drowning too. Cap springs out of bed shouting about how they (presumably being MOTHERFUCKING NAZIS) can't kill Bucky before he collapses to the floor and remembers that Bucky is actually dead, starting a theme of emo mood-swings that would follow Cap for a little while. Bucky, of course, isn't actually dead, but that won't become a thing until 2005 so we can ignore it.Donning his hood and taking up his shield, Cap introduces himself but the team are immediately sceptical: Cap has been missing for twenty years* and hasn't aged a day! Cap is having none of this shit and chooses to prove himself by the best means available in an age before DNA scans and face recognition: fighting all the Avengers! He dodges Thor's hammer and makes short work of Giant-Man, but is stopped when the Wasp embiggens herself and Cap, on being confronted with a real life woman, immediately stops fighting people
 |
| M'lady |
RE-CAP
A conventionally attired Cap and Bucky ride a motorbike as they race to intercept an explosives-filled drone that the MOTHERFUCKING NAZIS are trying to steal while a silhouetted baddie gloats about how this is going to end badly whatever happens. Using a conveniently placed ramp our intrepid heroes leap towards the plane but while Bucky is able to get aboard Cap is left dangling and falls helpless into the sea as the plane explodes. Despite the plane taking off from somewhere in Europe, the explosion happens off the coast of Newfoundland... this does explain the Eskimos, though mostly serves to make Stan Lee's grasp of geography look even shakier.Later, the Avengers submarine pulls into New York and, leaving Cap below decks, they greet an assembled crowd of reporters (none of whom are from The Sun so the Wasp is not asked to get her tits out). Suddenly there's a flash of light and where the Avengers stood there are now four Avenger-shaped statues... the keenly incisive minds of the journalists immediately conclude that this is merely a trick to avoid being interviewed and disperse grumbling about entitled fucking celebrities.
Cap emerges to find everybody gone and, despite noticing the odd poses, doesn't question why there are statues of the Avengers but no actual Avengers, and so decides to wander about New York on his own. Naturally he's recognised by a few people as he walks around the place, and as he approaches the UN Building he makes a policeman cry for the SHEER EMOTION of Cap coming back from the dead.
Capitalising on the fact he's Captain Fucking America to compensate for having no money he books into a rather fancy-looking hotel and has a nap, only to awaken and find Bucky standing in the doorway! Except it's not, it's Rick Jones, former rebel and wannabe nerd, who apparently looks just like Bucky in a "doesn't look anything like Bucky even allowing for Kirby's limited number of faces" kind of way. Rick explains that's he's followed Cap as the Avengers have gone missing and Cap was the last person to see them. Again, nobody is looking at the fucking statues! GOD. And recommends Cap should maybe see a therapist.
Putting his mask and gloves back on Cap sends
WITTY SUBHEADER
Luckily for Cap they all miss, and before they can have another go he slings his shield at them, smashing all the weapons. A (very) brief fight ensues, with Cap showing that 20 years encased in ice is no barrier to being fit and trim, but no sooner has he floored all the thugs than the shifty dude starts brings his device to bear and shoots (not a euphemism). However, Cap is just too damn nippy and quickly disarms the guy while also (somehow - plot hole alert!) recognising that the gun is of alien manufacture and unmasks our villain, revealing him to be a sort of cross between Scaroth of the Jagaroth and a head of broccoli.
The alien then relays a sob story of how his ship crashed centuries (millenia, really, but Marvel Time might be in effect) ago but people thought he was a monster so he turned them to stone in self defence thus creating the legends of Medusa... I'm guessing the legends were embellished somewhat though, because "looks like broccoli" isn't as scary as "head full of snakes." Anyway, it turns out he used his gun on the Avengers because Namor had promised to help him rebuild his ship, reminding us that Namor is a massive bellend.
UNDER THE SEA
Cap drags Broccoli Face to a warehouse where the 'statues' have been stored [when?] and he reverses the polarity to revert them back to human form so they can go deal with Namor.Namor, meanwhile, is angrily watching these events unfold onscreen and resolves to do things by himself from now on. Off he goes into the fucking sea to stand dramatically on some rocks when he spies a troop of his elite guard, showing he's not alone after all (really though, if they're just swimming around like that why the hell has he never spotted them before. Oh, that's right, because he's an emo twat who's more concerned with what's happening on dry land.)
The next day the Avengers make their way to remote island near where the Broccoli Face's shop crashed. After Giant-Man fails to lift it by main force alone, Cap attaches a waterproof camera to the hull and Thor uses the magnetic properties of his hammer to pull the ship out of the sea bed! Broccoli Face is now able to make his repairs, but no sooner has he gone aboard than Namor (twat) turns up with his elite guard, who apparently use energy weapons because that's a really fucking good idea underwater... anyway, Iron Man dodges one such energy discharge, but Namor knees him in the groin for his troubles (brave, considering that Iron Man is, well, Iron Man, and Namor's wearing just his pants), and Iron Man retaliates with is "transistor-powered magnetic repulser", sending Namor spinning away.
However, the ray only has a limited charge, giving Namor opportunity to gloat like a massive prick before throwing a rock at the metal-clad billionaire. Meanwhile, The Wasp decides to take action by shrinking to wasp size and flying around Namor's head like he's just started eating a marmalade sandwich, but there's no time for flailing around or asking who forgot to light the citronella because the so-called elite guard are in trouble!
Despite having energy weapons the guard are apparently trying to rush Thor, who's having none of it and spinning his hammer to keep them at bay. Namor orders them to fall back and fire, but Thor's magic hammer deflects the energy beams back at them! Okay, so maybe they tried it already and that's why they were rushing him... and so Namor decides not even a god of thunder is too good for a kick in the bollocks.
THE LITTLE MER-MAN
Our focus is now shifted towards Giant-Man (referred to as "the third Avenger" as if Wasp isn't even fucking there), who is still underwater having been caught in a net by some more of the elite guard. Luckily he manages to swallow his reducing capsule rather than just drown and after a bit of a scare from a fuck-ugly fish he goes back up to giant size, scrambles ashore and beats up some guards who are ganging up on Iron Man.Giant-Man starts to wonder where Cap's got to and whether he's simply run off, just as some of the elite guard start getting separation anxiety about their leader who is like ten fucking feet away (and by this point I'm thinking that if these guys are supposed to be the elite the rest of the Atlantean army must be utter shit). Working together Thor and G-M gang up on Namor, just as it's revealed that Cap has been hiding behind a rock so he can be a background observer and learn about the Avengers' abilites. What. A. Dick. Anyway, Namor managed to wrestle Mjolnir away from Thor, but the hammer immediately dropped to the ground leaving Namor futilely tryign to pick it up before Thor uses its enchantment to recall it to his hand.
DEUS EX STANICA
BUT! Namor has one more trick up his sleeve. Rick Jones, who was last seen in the background of the first panel of page 16 has apparently been taken prisoner! Only then, probably only because of the creepy Bucky fixation, does Cap decide to leap into action slamming into one of the guards, only to be hurled back by Namor. Luckily (sort of) the island suddenly starts to break apart and in the wake of a massive undersea explosion Namor and his "elite" guard retreat into the waves. It turns out though, it's not just an explosion happening for no reason, but Broccoli Head's space craft taking off and the Avengers watch the launch from the island that suddenly isn't breaking apart after all.Iron Man mildly rebukes Cap's late arrival to the fight, while Giant-Man suddenly realises that The Wasp isn't there... but then she turns up just in time to remind us that she's a hollow cliche of womanhood by saying she was just off "powdering her nose" (which at this time still actually meant applying make-up rather than just being a metaphor for drug use). And then, with a build up that could have been quite effective had they not spoiled it on both the cover and the splash page, the Avengers extend a formal invitation for Cap to join their ranks.
But not everybody is celebrating, for Rick Jones is sitting alone, wondering how the Hulk will react to his being usurped by Captain America (because, obvs, you can only have up to a certain number of Avengers), and we are excitably informed that Avengers #5 will be ever more fucking amazing than this one was!
Next time I will forward to 1975 for the founding of a lesser known super team in Champions #1!
*Marvel having chosen to ignore the 1950s Cap revival at this point; though by the 70s they would re-retcon the 50s continuity back in, revealing that the Commie Smashing Cap of that decade was actually a replacement employed by the FBI.
No comments:
Post a Comment