Captain America Comics #1

Once upon a time, an improbably haired shouty man democratically gained power and then used that power to pursue an agenda of xenophobia and self-interest. But that's enough about Donald Trump, as today I take you back to a time when a person could punch a Nazi without being told that, actually, it was THEM who's the real Nazi. A time before Marvel comics even existed. Today, I bring you the birth of Captain America!

Now, whatever I might (and will) say about the artwork in this comic* that cover is, unarguably, Iconic As Fuck. Captain America, wearing the costume that would remain virtually unchanged for decades, punches Hitler as various Nazis (and, inexplicably, a man wielding a Tommy gun and wearing a French WW1 helmet) try to shoot this most patriotic of heroes. We are told that there will be "45 Thrilling Pages" of action (which I won't review all of, because doing 22 is a bit of a slog to be honest) and that Cap's young ally Bucky (whose eye mask looks more like Young Goth Steals Mum's Eyeliner) will also be joining us. In the background a television screen (helpfully marked "television", this being before the cathode ray tube became a ubiquitous fixture in living rooms throughout the West) shows a U.S Munitions Works being blown up, while behind Hitler (and, for some reason, on the floor) lie sabotage plans to be enacted against the USA (in English, obvs).

MEET CAPTAIN AMERICA

The splash page shows us Cap standing near the Capitol Building in Washington D.C., waving somewhat wanly as Bucky runs up behind him. It is explained (and bear in mind that this is prior to America formally joining the War, when it was still illegal for US citizens to actually go and fight, showing that even then there was a social justice agenda going on in these comics) that young men in a variety of hats (and one not actually wearing a shirt) are joining the Army to fight against the Nazi war machine as it sets its sights on the Land of Free Eagles (or something).

But it's not just patriotic young Americans signing up, there are also MOTHERFUCKING NAZIS infiltrating the US military so they can blow shit up and bring the defence** industry to its knees!

It turns out that the US military of 1940s Earth-616 are so flagrantly incompetent that the whole thing is riddled with MOTHERFUCKING NAZI spies from the top to the bottom and the generals no longer trust anybody. The president jokingly suggests enlisting comic book characters such as the Human Torch (making it somewhat fuzzy whether this is actually 616, but the consensus seems to be that it is so I'm going along with that for convenience's sake), but then introduces the least interesting looking man in America: J. Arthur Grover, head of the FBI, who has a plan that might sort this whole shitshow out.

Grover and the generals, who are 'disguised' in fedoras and overcoats with the collars turned up, travel to a curio shop, where a badass old lady is ready to shoot anybody who shouldn't be there (which is a fairly hardcore approach to capitalism, especially in these pre-McCarthy days), luckily she recognises Grover and waves them through to the back where they eventually find a secret laboratory, and also discover that the badass old lady is actually a badass young lady who is introduced as X-13, one of their "most trusted agents". Unsurprisingly for a Golden Age comic there's a bit too much focus on how attractive she is, but let's face it, they've also made it clear she knows what the fuck she's doing which puts her above 99% of other female comic characters for decades to come.

Meanwhile a skinny young man walks into the lab and is injected with a "strange seething liquid" from a massive fucking syringe, and before the astonished eyes of the assembled observers he grows and bulks out like a real life version of those Charles Atlas ads. The doctor responsible says the man is merely the first new super-soldier, dubs him Captain America, and nobody comments on his lack of nipples or belly button.

BUT, just in case we'd forgotten how utterly shit the US Army's security is at this point it turns out one of the party is actually a gestapo spy! He draws a pistol (because fuck searching anybody before they enter a top secret laboratory) and shoots the scientist and the container of serum! Then he stars shooting up the rest of the observers but only manages to get Grover before Captain America beats him up. The spy then tries to run away, but gets entangled in the lab equipment and is fatally electrocuted (because fuck health and safety).

Soon, Captain America is taking, er, America by storm as headlines tell of his exploits... but the mystery of his true identity remains unsolved until...

Young Bucky Barnes, regimental mascot, approaches the square-jawed pipe smoking Private Steve Rogers, excitedly frothing about Cap and wondering if he'll ever get to meet the blue-clad hero... Rogers cryptically responds that maybe he will while puffing on his pipe (not a euphemism). Later, Bucky bursts into Rogers' tent only to discover that Steve Rogers is Captain America.

In order to maintain secrecy Cap has Bucky executed makes Bucky his sidekick, because when you're fighting against the might of the Nazi war machine you need an excitable teenage boy to watch your back. Which brings us to the end of Cap's first story.

Aaand, I'm kind of bored with Cap now to be honest, but I wanted to get his origin in before moving on to his far more interesting re-introduction in Avengers #4.

*And if you're expecting me to be respectful and complementary you must be new here. Hello.
**I'm British, fuck off.