What I didn't realise at the time was that this is actually from Spidey Super Stories, a comic aimed at younger readers which Marvel published in partnership with The Electric Company; an educational television series that ran on PBS in America in the 70s and featured such luminaries of the screen as MORGAN FUCKING FREEMAN, and well-known rapist Bill Cosby.
The comic that frame is taken from is currently not available on Marvel Unlimited, but I did manage to get scans of the story in question and because I'm enough of a twat to be sarcastic about things aimed at children it will get my usual treatment. However, because I'm not 100% a dick, I will also point out any merits I happen to come across.
The cover is pretty decent, depicting an airborne battle between Spider-Man and the Green Goblin over a Hallowe'en parade. The fact it proudly declares it has NO ADS! warms my grumpy socialist heart, the simple straightforward declaration showing that this was made by people who gave a fuck about things other than the almighty dollar. On the other side of the title we are told that "Easy Reader says "this comic book is easy to read!"" which probably was meant to reassure parents that they could leave little Timothy to follow the exploits of the web-slinger on his own, but probably also inadvertently served to reinforce the stereotype that comics were for stupid people and contributed to illiteracy.
THE ROOTS OF EVIL
The ubiquitous splash page shows us a figure clad in grey and green climbing around on a greenhouse and admiring the plants within. The thing that immediately strikes me is how, even with the simpler language, they haven't skimped on the art and it could stand up next to a standard Marvel comic of the time. In this image we learn one thing: whoever this dude is, he really fucking likes plants.
Meanwhile a slightly more normal scene unfolds as Peter Parker waters his Aunt May's flowers (not a euphemism), and she mentions that someone she knows talks to her plants; a full six years before us Brits started taking the piss out of Prince Charles for admitting that he does just that. Parker responds with a bad joke about giving the plants a book to read, where all the emphasis is on the wrong words, before remembering that he has a date with Mary Jane.
GARDEN
Parker meets up with Mary Jane at the botanical garden teased on the splash page and he notices Luke Cake, Power Man leading a group of children inside. The kids notice that a large pot marked Rubber Tree is empty and one quips that maybe it bounced away (I am going to share every fucking pun in this comic, so you too can suffer with me), and Cage asks a staff member what happened. The staff member says that someone is taking the plants and points to the figure we saw on the splash page, who - from his perch atop a suspended planter, responds "I'm just hanging around!"
Parker makes his excuses to MJ and sneaks off while Luke Cage asks her to mind the kids so he can also meander off into the bushes, and lo and behold moments later Spider-Man and Power Man emerge and make their way towards the botanical bad guy.
They find him up a banananana tree and he throws down banana skins with a warning for our heroes to not "slip up" and when Power Man lands on his arse makes a joke about his favourite season being fall (because this is America). Spider-Man, being much nimbler on his feet, makes to the base of the tree only to have the villain throw down a load of bananas , getting the responsee "thanks a bunch, Plantman!"
Now, at this point I should mention that Plantman is an actual villain in Marvel canon, not something they just made up for a kids' comic, and was last seen in Pleasant Hill during the Standoff crossover. Yes, there are shitter characters out there, but Plantman is definitely not what you'd call a classic.
Anyway, Plantman escapes through an opening in the greenhouse roof and the writers miss a golden opportunity to make something of the fact spiders live in banana bunches. As our heroes make their way to the ground a Florist's van rolls up and delivers bunch of flowers with a card reading "forget-me-not! Ha! Ha! Ha! Plantman" a pun made all the worse by the fact the flowers are not fucking forget-me-nots. Also the whole thing where apparently Plantman can time travel to arrange a florists delivery to the heroes who are chasing him; if you're going to introduce kids to Marvel you might as well have Marvel-sized plot holes.
GONE TO SEED
Another terrible pun leads us into Part Two of the story, which would have been a more logical transition had there been something between this and the last page. The splash page shows a flatbed truck being loaded with plants from the botanical gardens. Exciting stuff!
It turns out that a "plant doctor" has told the staff that the plants are sick and that a spider is causing trouble (see what he did there?). Spider-Man goes to meet this "plant doctor" only to discover that it's really Plantman and he has just walked into a patch of quicksand (because OBVIOUSLY there'd be quicksand in a botanical garden) while Plantman escapes up to the roof again. Power Man helps Spidey out of the 'sand and together they pursue the villain only for Power Man to fall through the glass roof! Luckily Spider-Man shoots a web to break his fall (which I can't decide is a pun or not).
Inside the greenhouse again they bump into the kids and MJ, who is a bit fucked off with Peter for running off like that (and after several years still hasn't connected Parker Runs Off with Spider-Man Appears). Spider-Man reassures her that Parker is probably doing something important, but before MJ can respond we reach that panel and she warns that Plantman is throwing coconuts at them!
Actually displaying some level of competence this time, Power-Man shakes the tree (while making the obligatory "shake you up" pun and calling Plantman a weed), then Plantman falls from the tree to be caught by Spider-Man and deposited in a big planter while Spidey quips that they've "finally been able to pot Plantman!"
Later on MJ gushes about how amazing Spidey and Power Man were, and forgives Parker for rushing off as they make their way home for Aunt May's hot chocolate. Inexplicably Aunt May is also having the house entirely re-painted, leading Parker to make the final pun about how he'll feel like a plant himself now as he'll be living in a green house.
And yeah, that's that. I genuinely wanted to end this with a paragraph about how this would stand up to scrutiny with only minor dialogue and art tweaks, but honestly it probably wouldn't. As kids comics go, it's okay, but when the overriding thought is that it's sort of like a shit version of Bananaman, you can see why Marvel has decided to go with a slightly less condescending approach to aiming stuff at younger readers of late. Moreover, as I think about it more I realise that they seriously wasted the opportunity this presented to weave in some educational stuff about botany (possibly at the expense of those fucking puns), which might well have saved it from mediocrity.
Next time I'll scowl at Captain America Comics #1.
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