Secret Wars II #9 - Part Two

In the last blog post we left you with The Beyonder deciding that everything is still shit and there's no way he can make it better for himself by being mortal because (quite reasonably, based on his general behaviour and demeanour) everyone thinks he's a twat, and some of those people are quite powerful. So he (again) is contemplating just destroying everything, because fuck everyone else, right?

Meanwhile in the picturseque Rockies the assembled heroes have arrived at the spot above TB's Secret Hideout, with Rachel having sensed him telepathically. (Thanks to some bad design choices it initially looks like the speech bubble's coming from Reed, leading me to several seconds of incredulous "Reed's a fucking telepath now?!") The downside is that the hideout is nine miles under the surface, which is going to be a bit of a long dig.

Luckily Owen and Marsha turn up and after a bit of doubt from mostly Hawkeye (who responds to Owen's claim that the heroes need him with "sure, and Newcastle needs coal" which it kind of did at the time with the Conservatives' continuing colliery closures) Reed and Wolverine accept his offer of help because, frankly, when you've got an all-powerful immortal being threatening to wipe reality itself out of existence you don't get to be that choosy who your mates are.

GOING UNDERGROUND

It turns out that while our eye was diverted TB made himself a giant TV screen on which to monitor what's happening on the surface, and seeing Owen there gives him an idea; he just needs to fiddle with the "Mama Machine's" settings a bit, but the heroes will be there any second... luckily he just happened to have resurrected the New Mutants, and with the addition of Warlock and a bit of mental programming he sends them up to the surface where their appearance will be a double surprise, because he didn't just destroy them but erased all traces of their existence.

For the benefit of those unfamiliar with the New Mutants the next page gives a panel-by-panel introduction of each one: Wolfsbane, Cannonball, Cypher, Warlock (again), Magma, Majik (who is dressed rather less stupidly than she will be in future), Mirage and Karma. All kinds of shit goes down in a fight scene that plays out like someone at Marvel decided they really needed to do an in-narrative advert for the New Mutants, until the heroes (inevitably) emerge victorious and Owen digs a tunnel down to where TB is hiding.

It transpires that TB's new plan is to have his cake and eat it; he's connected Mecha-Uterus up to his power storage vessel (totally a euphemism) with the intention of being both mortal and omnipotent, because apparently combining two things you've decided are shit is a great plan. But as he makes a few minor adjustments the heroes, led by Owen, break through the ceiling of his hideout and go on the attack.

TB - who I should note has got dressed, thus saving everybody a whole lot of embarrassment - throws a force field around our brightly costumed protagonists and explains that he's not in the reality destroying business anymore and the highly unethical use of brainwashed mutants to fight them was just a delaying tactic.

Were this a less exciting genre the heroes would sit down and let TB explain his plan to them before making a reasonable and informed decision about what do to next, but what actually happens is they all unanimously go full gung-ho, break through the force field and bundle TB to the ground. Of course this isn't exactly the best laid plan as TB just uses his power to flatten them all, leaving only himself and Owen (and Cap, for some reason) standing. TB is, understandably, quite cross, while Owen is, also understandably when you think about it, pretty certain that destroying TB is the only way to save everything else.

EXISTENTIAL DYSFUNCTION

So then it becomes time for an omnipotence-waving contest; with TB and Owen mashing their powers together and causing ripples across all of time and space in the process.

As the god-like beings grapple everyone else wakes up and get back to pummelling TB, which is good news for Owen because he's definitely got the smaller penis powerful as he is, he is no match for The Beyonder... and TB himself is literally angry with rage; he flings Owen and the heroes away and decides to destroy them all, a fate they could have avoided if only they'd used their words.

An infinite beam of destructive energy lashes out, completely destroying the Rocky Mountains and leaving poor TB to multi-task operating Mecha-Uterus with keeping the Earth's orbit and crust stable. Which just goes to show how beneficial forward planning can be.

MEANWHILE...

At the other end of the Fissure Formerly Known As The Rocky Mountains there is movement, as the heroes emerge and She-Hulk declares that it was rough and painful (not a euphemism). It turns out that in destroying the mountain range TB uncovered a rich seam of narrativium, which enabled Owen to utilise the last reserves of his power to not only save the heroes but put everyone else who might have been affected into sub-space for safekeeping. Of course, because of how these things work, he's rather weakened by the whole experience, allowing the proper heroes to hero their way back with the aid of Rachel Summers' teleporting skills.

BABY, ONE MORE TIME

It appears that the narrativium stirred up by the Rockies' destruction has aided the plot by slowing down TB's gestation time, meaning he's still a in utero when the heroes get back to his hideout, at which point a debate on the ethics of murdering him while he's still a baby ensues. But not for long! Because Peter's Spider-Senses go into overdrive and before anybody knows what's happening Mecha-Uterus explodes! Except it doesn't, it just does an explosion like thing without actually exploding. Or something.

But anyway, Sue's able to throw up a force field just in time and not only do they all survive but a lot of them are really angry to boot, so Reed turns himself into a giant curtain to stop them just charging in to wreck up the place... pointing out that not only is there a child in there, but they don't actually know what will happen if they destroy something that contains all of The Beyonder's power. Which is probably as close as you're going to get to actual scientific method in any Marvel comic.

Except Owen is all "fuck that shit" and is somehow able to shoot a massive bolt of energy at Mecha-Uterus despite being so hurt and weakened before, and with a shudder the machine begins spewing energy all over the fucking place. The womb breaks, the baby screams and then it gets all Threads on us (but in a lot less time and without the trouser wetting) as everything on Earth is destroyed in a blinding flash of light...

But actually it isn't. The machine is wrecked, everyone survives, except Baby Beyonder (which, as a new parent, is a lot more upsetting than it would have been a few months ago. Thanks Marvel.) who is found by the Silver Surfer and everybody looks suitably dismayed but Owen (cunt) assures us that it was for the best in the end while Marsha who is inexplicably now wearing a pink leotard sort of shrugs and says "hey, I'll get over it."

Although... it turns out that things may not be as they seem.

Owen, it turns out, opened a portal and sent TB's energy through it... and we see as the energy bursts outwards in a rush, then begins to coalesce into matter as it cools, stars and planets form, and life begins to evolve, and ultimately The Beyonder gets his wish because he's not just a mortal but all mortals in this universe, and the comic ends with Joey Demaio and Raquel Welch glaring at us from a jungle landscape and it would appear that while still totally being a fucking baby murderer, at least Owen did something that might be considered laudable with TB's energy.

Tune in next time as I review what could be the worst episode of Blue Peter ever recorded in Avengers #6!