The cover promises, with the usual devil-may-care approach to grammar and punctuation, that the comic will introduce "Zemo! and his Masters of Evil!" which sounds like the sort of band names you'd get if Heavy Metal had been invented in the 1950s... and, well, the vision we're presented with is reminiscent of the sort of D&D party you end up with when the DM doesn't say 'no' to their players enough.
"I want to be a radioactive Monk!"
"There aren't any rules for radiation though..."
"So? You let Heinrich be a camp SAS Wizard..."
The splash page (I kind of miss splash pages when doing later era comics) cautions us against damaging the comic in any way because it's sure to be a collectors item, but instead of the out-of-context preview/spoiler we often get Cap is showing off what he can do with his shield as they wait for their Jetcopter* to be refuelled. Kirby's always slightly erratic art goes even more off the rails with a variety of awkward poses, with only the angle of the drawing saving Hank and Cap from the starring spot in Viz's Up The Arse Corner. Not to be outdone, Stan Lee treats us to the worst simile this side of Year 8 English lessons with Janet's quip that the shield is like all-purpose detergent.
It is, of course, completely impossible for Tony to not be involved in something. Cap's shield is no ordinary shield, but one filled with transistors that (somehow) enable it to return to Cap's arm at any time, and while Hank and Tony nerd out over the internal workings of the shield (and Janet valiantly continues the rubbish comparisons theme) Cap starts getting all maudlin that Bucky isn't there to see these scientific marvels.
Thor and Janet attempt to distract Cap by showing him all the fanmail he gets, and Rick offers to maybe take Bucky's place now that the Hulk has left the team. (Because why even bother pretending you're doing this for Cap and not your own ego, Rick? You twat.) Cap, however, is having none of it because he realises the thing he must do is take revenge on the person who killed Bucky! Leaving me slightly disappointed we'll never see the version of events where Bucky's killer is long dead and Cap descends further and further in to bitter melancholy before eventually becoming The Punisher**.
WELCOME TO DAS JUNGLE
Luckily for both the comic's plot and Cap's mental health it turns out the man who murdered Bucky is alive and living in South America! But not for him the premium Nazi Retirement Package of a villa in Argentina and enough linen suits for a lifetime of Del Monte adverts, oh no... he's opted to wear purple and ermine and rule over a remote tribe. As you do.Anyway, a pilot has been employed by Zemo (somehow) to bring him supplies and news from the outside world; Zemo moans about his purple hood (not a euphemism) and Stan Lee lampshades*** his love of exposition when the pilot asks about the hood and Zemo says he'll never give up his secrets...
So, of course, what happens is Zemo reads a newspaper article about Cap, has a massive fucking tantrum (complete with foot stamping) about the fact he's alive, and immediately launches into the story: we flash back to Zemo's lab in MOTHERFUCKING NAZI Germany, where he's so despised that he has to wear a hood at all times to conceal his identity. In fact, Zemo is "the most hated man in Europe", which is quite an achievement considering the competition includes such figures as Josef Mengele, George Formby and Actual Hitler. Anyway, the latest dastardly evil project Zemo is working on is...
Really Strong Glue.
I mean, I get that this is a kids' comic from the 1960s, so is going to sanitise WW2 to a certain extent, but the most evilest Nazi in the world is making fucking glue?? Jesus, you'd have expected a death ray or something, but nooooo, apparently Really Strong Glue was an important part of the Nazi's master plan on Earth-616.
Cap, concerned that Zemo is going to weaponise this glue for Hitler, breaks into the lab and throws his shield to shatter the vat of Adhesive X, which pours over Zemo and permanently bonds the hood to his head. Whilst avoiding doing the same to the rest of his clothes. Or sealing his eyes, ears, nose and mouth shut. Or covering Cap's shield. And at no point does Zemo exclaim "donner und blizten, ein Amerikaner! Aieeeee!" like he would have done in a Commando comic.
And to this day Zemo is really fucking angry about it. So angry, in fact, that he's forgotten to invent a solvent for the glue he created during the intervening 20 years (or 4.3 days if using Marvel Time). But, at least, the revelation that Cap is still alive gives him a second pop at taking his revenge, so he dispatches the loyal pilot to fetch three particular people for Zemo, on pain of death if he fails.
A STICKY SITUATION
Some time later back in New York things have taken a bit of a turn for the worse. The Avengers are away and it seems that Zemo's plan is coming to fruition... The Black Knight (on a flying horse), The Melter (who, despite initial appearances, fires his melting beam from his chest not his crotch) and Radioactive Man (up and at them) are spraying pink glue all over the city. Luckily our heroes were already arriving back in the city and turn up just in time to accost Radioactive Man in order to find out what's going on.Thor (having forgotten that RM can repel Mjolnir) dodges a spray of glue only for it to hit Cap and stick him to the ground. Cap, who I guess does glue recognition as a hobby, realises that this is Adhesive X and therefore Zemo might still be alive! As Tony tries to pull him off (not a euphemism) The Melter hoves into view and unleashes his beam (not a euphemism), just missing our heroes. Tony uses his magnetic repeller on The Melter, who somehow doesn't stick to the ground, and sets about cutting up the section of pavement that Cap and Hank are attached to so they can make their getaway while Janet distracts TM.
Now tarmac skiing from the back of a tow truck that just happened to be parked nearby, Cap and Hank think they've got away, but suddenly The Black Knight appears and Tony can't stop the truck in time! Luckily for them Thor just declares that he's had enough of RM and TM's shit and flies over to disarm the Black Knight and they head to Tony's mansion to find a solution just as Zemo lands in his Heli-Hovercraft****
SOLVENT-ING THE PROBLEM
Zemo's lackeys report the situation, glossing over the role their own incompetence played in the Avengers' escape, and Zemo only now realises that he could have made a solvent for Adhesive X. If he was "Hitler's greatest scientist" I'd fucking hate to see how bad the others were... Zemo then reasons that they only way they can find the Avengers now is to draw them out of hiding, as opposed to, for example, following the damaged roads left behind Cap and Hank (or even just asking people).Meanwhile, our heroes are attempting to "dilute" Adhesive X with oxyacetylene (Stan Lee 1 - Science 0), which doesn't work, so Janet calls the police to see if they'll let her speak to Paste-Pot Pete (yes, for those who don't know, that is an actual 'classic' Marvel villain) in jail. Pete, keen to reduce his sentence, gives her the location of his stash of Super-Dissolver, which can dissolve any adhesive (a useful thing when your criminal career is based entirely around gluing things to other things) and Tony flies off to fetch it.
And luckily Super-Dissolver works, and Cap and Hank are freed. Quite how useful this is remains to be seen, as Tony used quite a lot and Pete said there was only a single drum of the stuff, but I'm sure a suitable plot hole will present itself. The team realise that each of the baddies they've encountered is somebody that one of them has previously been almost defeated by, so come up with the cunning plan of swapping enemies so known weaknesses can't be exploited. Except Cap. Because, obviously, where you have a plan that involves specifically not fighting an enemy who almost defeated you before, the best thing to do is mention that there's an extra enemy involved, not elaborate who it is or that he previously almost defeated you and claim bagsies.
(e)POXY CRIMINALS
A short time later (not "meanwhile" as misused by Stan) Zemo is overseeing the replenishment of the Adhesive X canisters being used to spray the city, but he's also really busy thrusting his pelvis towards The Black Knight and scaring his horse so doesn't notice the Teen Brigade (who Cap had called on the previous page) sneaking up, overpowering the pilot and filling the canisters with the suddenly much larger supply of Pete's Super-Dissolver. The boys then sneak off unnoticed as the villains prepare to do more gluing. Apparently making New York stickier than it already is will make Zemo the most powerful man on Earth. At this point I suspect he might have exaggerated earlier about being the Most Hated Nazi.The Black Knight is the first to realise something's wrong when he realises the spray is unsticking people, and before he's recovered from that bombshell Thor turns up, ruining all his plans for a nice easy fight. He actually says "But he was not supposed to be my foe!!" and I suspect would have stamped his feet were he not riding a flying horse. It's all so unfair!
The Black Knight recovers quickly from his petulant outburst, but hasn't banked on the mighty power of Thor. The beams from his lance are deflected by the spinning hammer, and then Thor has the sheer bloody audacity to recover far too quickly from the Knight's stun ray.
Next is Radioactive Man who, in the spirit of scientific enquiry (or just sheer obstinacy), keeps spraying people while wondering why it's freeing those previously affected and not sticking anybody else. Expecting to confront Thor, he is instead confounded by Hank furiously popping Reducing Capsules, and foiled by Tony finding what is probably the one actual use for an astonishingly bad bit of safety gear. Wrapped in a thin sheet of lead and borne aloft by a lead-lined weather balloon, the Radioactive Man's threat is neutralised.
But Tony's not safe for long because just then the Melter turns up and melts a lamp post at him. Because obviously when you've got the drop on the person only you can defeat the thing to do is fuck about with street furniture instead of just murdering them. Anyway, Tony deftly dodges his beams, tricks him into melting a fire hydrant and the resultant jet of water renders the melting beam useless. Which just goes to show that if you're going to be operating super villain equipment outdoors you really should make sure it's waterproof.
CAP AND CAPABILITY
Meanwhile, Hank is recovering from his pill binge, and the Teen Brigade run afoul of Zemo's Hypno-Ray just as Cap arrives to dish out some justice by punching a literal Nazi (which, as we all know, makes him just as bad and he should be engaging Zemo in reasonable debate). Zemo, in the intervening time, has been training himself in the arts of combat (Cap still hit first, so it's just self-defence) but Cap knows all the combat moves ever and has a big shield so, naturally, wins the fight (but not the moral high ground, amirite?). Though Zemo can karate chop right through a metal dustbin, which is pretty damned impressive.Cap does a bit of a speech about liberty and freedom and compassion not being weakness which seems oh so fucking ironic considering the state of America now and how some of Marvel's so-called fans react to diversity and political messages in comics. But I digress, and Zemo's loyal pilot busts a cap in Cap, or at least tries to because apparently he's a terrible shot and merely grazes our patriotic hero, but Cap still falls over, allowing Zemo to escape.
The pilot, however, is not so lucky and after Janet sabotages his gun ends up being chased thru the city by Hank, and Thor hands the Black Knight over to the cops just as they notice the Heli-Hovercraft taking off. Because why bother keeping an eye on the leader when you can chase the minion for six panels.
However, narrative causality wins again because it turns out that while Zemo thought he'd taken a canister of Super-Dissolver with him, Cap had substituted it with some tear gas he just happened to have on his person or something. The Heli-Hovercraft comes in for a very wobbly landing where the police will pick Zemo up, Thor doesn't steal the Black Knight's horse leaving us to wander what sort of shit Viking he is anyway, nobody even makes a joke about horses and glue, and in a revelation that shocks precisely nobody we are told that Zemo will return!
And now it's November which means I'll be spending the month writing bad fiction for NaNoWriMo. See you in December!
*Neither jets nor helicopters cool enough for you? JETCOPTER, MOTHERFUCKERS
**In the vanishingly unlikely event that anybody from Marvel is reading this you can totally use the idea, because it's fucking awesome, but I'll expect a modest fee for your doing so.
***Yeah, right.
****At this point; why the fuck not?
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