Amazing Adventures #5

And so we approach the season of copius consumption so what better time for me to dissect a lovely Christmas story that, for some reason, Marvel published in March*. Which still isn't quite as bad as that fucking TV channel that does a "Christmas Movie Week" in the summer.

Ignoring the Black Bolt bit, the cover treats us  to a lovely, snowy city scene, where people gaily dressed in festive onesies are throwing Black Widow off the top of building while sending The Astrologer's regards. In my head the villain of the story is Evil Russell Grant in full pantomime mode and I'll be quite disappointed if it isn't.

FAIRY TALE OF NEW YORK

Our story opens full of Christmas cheer as a young man attempts to throw himself off a bridge, only to be rescued at the last second by a man in a green jumper who immediately shows him a flash card with an inaccurately drawn black widow spider on it. As you do. The next page reveals the creepy benefactor to be none other than Handsome Joe Stalin, the companion of Natasha Romanoff who we briefly met in Champions #1, and he informs the would-be suicide that it's time to go meet the arachnid's namesake. As you do.

Of course the young man tells him to "flake off" (because CCA), but Handsome Joe is having none of that and bundles him into an escape proof Rolls Royce, and en route the mustachioed Soviet makes a makes a 'phone call' using a tiny square microphone (this was futuristic stuff in 1971), allowing the scene to shift to...

In the penthouse of Mammon Towers, Manhattan the Black Widow is showering for no discernible narrative reason whatsoever when she's interrupted by Handsome Joe's call, and while Joe (who is now identified as Ivan,  but I'll keep calling Joe) is only answered via Natasha's wrist radio we get treated to some flagrantly CCA-baiting objectification as she dries herself off. Handsome Joe, naturally, is speaking in code, but because we're not international super spies ourselves Natasha makes sure she clarifies the code out loud after the call ends. Presumably the Black Widow's apartment contains no bugs. HO HO.

MULTI-COLOURED SWAP SHOP

After arriving at Natasha's apartment Blond Guy makes himself comfortable and begins telling his story... bored of small-town life in Utah he yearned to experience the big city so moved to New York with fuck all money and just one small bag of possessions only to end up sofa surfing and sleeping rough for a time whilst never changing his clothes. But! One day The Astrologer arrives, looking less like Evil Russell Grant and more like Evil Keith Chegwin and promises him a place to stay with his hippy "Family". The Family, it turns out, commit crimes on Keith's behalf, mostly robbing rich people to provide funds for all their hippy-ing.

Of course that's not enough for Keith and so he lays out his plan to rob the blood bank where the city's entire supply of type O-negative is kept and then hold the blood to ransom, a plan which  was having precisely none of. Of course, Keith (who, by this time, is looking a bit more like Marty Feldman) has a hitherto unnoticed body guard who punches Blond Guy for his insolence.

And it transpires that same body guard knows that Natasha is looking after him, and calls up from the lobby to threaten them. Which is either bravery or stupidity as Natasha apparently gives zero fucks about secret identities and actually identified herself as The Black Widow when she answered.

DO THEY KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS?

Of course the threatening call is just a distraction, and Handsome Joe is dispatched to deal with the thugs coming up the stairs, which he does with style, grammar pedantry and an appropriately punny one liners. But Natasha forgot, due to narrative causality, that the service elavator provides roof access meaning that yet more thugs are on their way.

Natasha gets out to her balcony just in time to see them abseiling down from above, and considering how massively well-prepared these guys are I'm starting to suspect that Natasha must have skipped Basic Secrecy classes at the Red Room Academy, and Handsome Joe doesn't seem to be much better at it. But I digress, fisticuffs ensue and Natasha makes what in America is an innocent quip about tossing the thugs off the ledge and how messy that would be... but I digress again, and Natasha is punched in the face by a guy who's enough of a bellend to wear sunglasses at night during winter.

Realising that Shades intends to throw Natasha off the balcony Blond Guy leaps in to save the day; he tackles the assailant and they both tumble over the edge to the street below. Fuck, this got bleak all of a sudden. The comic ends with Natasha calling the police to report his death having never known his name.

So, yeah, I'm going to be honest and say I hadn't expected a Marvel Christmas story to go quite like that. But I'm still going to end this post with a photo of Slade, as was always the intention... and I'll return next year when I will finally get around to looking over the comic that started the so-called Marvel Age: Fantastic Four #1.

*Since writing that sentence I've learned that Marvel sometimes used to use cover dates that were three months ahead of the publication date. I've no idea how common this is, but I think it's fucking stupid.