Fantastic Four #1

Recently I learned three things. First, that pressing 'ctrl+z' one too many times in Blogger will delete the entire content of a draft post; second, that Blogger does not allow you to revert to an earlier draft in the event of accidentally losing your most recent one; and third, that I really need to start keeping offsite backups of any posts I'm writing.

And so here is my second attempt at reviewing that most sacred of Marvel's cows: Fantastic Four #1.

Here it is, a cover so early in the days of Marvel Comics it doesn't even say "Marvel Comics" on the front. A cover that's been copied, ripped off and paid homage to approximately 84 trillion times in the last 57 years. A cover that, if I'm being completely honest, holds up a lot better than a lot of other contemporary examples. It lacks much of the effusive hyperbole that would become a hallmark of Marvel covers in the next decade or so, but still manages to have a bit of that good old LITERALLY THE MOST EXCITING THING EVER feel with its implicit assertion that four characters we've never seen up 'til this point* are finally teaming up, as if this is a long awaited event.

THE FANTASTIC FOUR

Splash page? Not quite. The faces of our protagonists top the page as a flare shot into the sky above 'Central City' dissolves into a cloud  that spells out "The Fantastic Four!", no massive spotlights with stylised animal shapes for these guys; the Fant Signal isn't reliant on the weather being cloudy to work (although it occurs to me that a stiff breeze might be troublesome). Down on the streets the people panic, thinking some disaster is about to befall them. And standing at a window high above the streets the shadowy figure of Reed Richards hopes that the first time using this signal will also be the last.

Across town Susan Storm is enjoying tea with a friend when the mysterious signal goes out, and as her friend frets at the window Sue turns invisible and buggers off, leaving her friend even more worried, then makes sure to knock over a load of pedestrians and terrify a poor taxi driver on the way. Now, obviously this is more exciting than Sue making excuses about wanting to check that Reed's okay, but it does occur to me that doing the EXACT OPPOSITE of being stealthy kind of defeats the object of turning invisible in order to make a swift getaway.

Meanwhile Ben Grimm, in the days before US clothes shops needed to carry super large sizes as standard, is having trouble finding a shirt when the hapless shopkeeper spots the words written in the sky. Also opting to eschew any kind of stealth, Ben suddenly undresses on the shop floor and the large man in the overcoat suddenly becomes a lumpy orange giant in an unpleasantly brown nappy. Despite having apparently got into the shop without trouble he now barges his way through the too-small door, and with police bullets whizzing past smashes his way into the sewers. On reaching the approximate destination without a sewer map he then smashes his way out, destroys a car and then somehow manages to completely avoid the heavily armed police squads which have been dispatched.

Finally we meet Johnny Storm, who is having his car serviced. As he quips about there being one thing he likes more than cars, the mechanic looks up and notices the skybound words, which are now morphing into a number '4' (take that, Bat Signal). So Johnny, who presumably is either super wealthy or just really fucking stupid (or both, as the two certainly aren't mutually exclusive), gets his flame on in the car and melts it before flying off and declaring that this is the thing he likes more than cars (admit it, you thought it was going to be girls. Or wanking.)

As Johnny streaks through the sky like pretty much the opposite of a comet, the mayor declares a state of emergency and fighter jets are scrambled from Washington. As the jets attempt to intercept Johnny he warns them to keep away (because obviously shouting at planes is going to work) but they get too close and are melted by his heat. At this point I assume that the flying aces of Earth-616's Great War conducted their daring dogfights by flying close enough to punch each other in the face, and the habit stuck to the point where enclosed fighter jets now simply attempt to ram any threats they engage with.

Luckily for the pilots they're able to eject in time, but not quite so luckily for Johnny he spots a Hunter missile homing in on his prodigious body heat. Just to make matters worse Hunter missiles apparently have a nuclear warhead, because killing hundreds of thousands of people is totally acceptable collateral when dealing with a single thing that hasn't actually directly threatened anybody.

However, the US government are spared a really embarrassing press conference about just why they felt it necessarily to devastate a large area of a major city just to deal with one flaming super when a pair of stretchy arms catch the missile and tell it to get in the fucking sea. Alas for Johnny, his flame blinks out for reasons of narrative causality and he plummets to earth. Thankfully, as evidenced by the appearance of the stretchy arms, all this occurred right above Reed's apartment and by stretching himself across the alleyway that Johnny is helpfully plummeting towards saves this comic from becoming The Fantastic Three before we're even half way through the first issue.

So now The Fantastic Four is assembled, and for some reason Ben is in disguise again; which shows he's really got this whole 'inconspicuous' thing completely arse backwards. Even moreso than the rest of the team. But I digress, for Reed - looking very sage with arms folded and pipe in hand - starts to tell the others why he's brought them together... but we'll have to wait to learn why because Stan Lee now embarks on his second favourite thing**: EXPOSITION!

IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE

We flash back to an unspecified point in the past, where Reed is looking pensively through the fourth wall while Ben has a go at him for wanting to fly a rocket into space without doing more research on cosmic rays. Sue points out that it's really important for America to make it into space before the EVIL FUCKING COMMIES do (hilariously this comic was published some seven months after Yuri Gagarin completed his manned orbit of the Earth; meaning this flash back is at least seven months ago and The Fantastic Four have been twiddling their thumbs all that time) and then rubs salt in by suggesting Ben is a coward for wanting to science properly (making him, based on what we've seen so far in the blog, something of a rarity on Earth-616.) Ben, of  course, is having none of that, and smashing the desk to splinters for no reason declares that he will fly the ship. While we all wonder what sort of fucking idiot thinks a guy this easily flustered would make a good test pilot.

The four of them set off to the 'spaceport', and only when they're en route does Reed think to question why Sue and Johnny have come along. Sue, of course, has been given the role of Dutiful Fiancee and goes wherever Reed goes, while Johnny is "taggin' along with sis" which means the matter is settled. Apparently.

It seems that US military security hasn't improved much since the days of Captain America, as four people are able to run right past a guard while shouting to each other, and get aboard Reed's rocket (not a euphemism). Luckily, despite the fact that only Reed and Ben were supposed to be doing this, the rocket seats four and has enough space suits for everybody, and as they take off Reed proudly declares that the rocket is behaving like a baby. Which I can only assume means the rocket's systems are partly organic, and that crying and shitting itself is part of the functionality. Terrifying, really.

The Oatmeal

As they soar into space Ben takes the opportunity to remind everybody about the cosmic rays and as they reach the Cosmic Storm Area there is a rapid knocking on the hull, because apparently cosmic rays do that. It's not long before the rays penetrate the hull and as they're all tossed about the cockpit Reed acknowledges that Ben was right all along. BIT FUCKING LATE NOW, EH? Johnny is burning up; Sue's head is pounding; Ben collapses, suddenly too heavy to move... but thankfully the ship has a narrativium powered autopilot which just happens to kick in by itself and crash land them in a forest.

They scramble out of the ship. Reed is happy they're alive, Sue is sad that the test flight failed, and Ben is still moaning. Reed, just to make everyone feel better, then points out they're not actually safe as they have no idea what effect the cosmic rays have had on them. At which point Narrative Causality sits up, shouts "AH-HA!" like a bad stage magician, and Sue starts turning invisible. The effect doesn't last long though, and as Reed comforts his panicked fiancee Ben takes the opportunity to take another swipe at Reed's scientific ability while also giving Narrative Causality a perfect opening as he asks what will happen to the rest of them.

Reed, not being one to let his shoddy approach to practical experimentation go entirely undefended, turns on Ben, but this only makes him more angry and he transforms into the embodiment of fragile alpha bro masculinity: his skin thickens, but somehow not to the point where he can actually withstand insults, he declares that actually he is the better man for Sue based purely on his strength, and decides to prove this by beating Reed to death with a tree. Reed deftly dodges the clumsy swing by going all elasticated before wrapping his newly stretchable arms around Ben to subdue him. Only then does he have his "oh shit" moment, and a cynical person might suggest that Reed already knew what  the cosmic rays would do and this was the actual experiment.

Finally, we get to Johnny. Laden with pathos, he chews the scenery before setting it all on fire as he declares "as I feel excited I can feel my body begin to blaze" (which I'm pretty certain is a euphemism for once) and bursts into flames. Luckily for both character and reader the fire soon burns itself out (I'm not entirely certain The Fantastic Four Put Out A Forest Fire would make that exiting a story), everyone calms down (I'm completely certain that The Fantastic Four Argue In The Countryside wouldn't make an exciting story) and simultaneously they think about how they're more than just human now.

So Reed and Ben decide the best thing to do with their newfound power is help humanity, the other two along with this, and they all immediately decide upon their hero names. Johnny, with a devil-may-care attitude to both originality and intellectual property, chooses The Human Torch; Sue opts for strict literalism with a side dose of internalised sexism and names herself The Invisible Girl; Ben ain't Ben any more and following earlier exclamations picks the name that best fits his lumpy, orange form: Donald Trump The Thing; and finally Reed just flagrantly strokes his own ego and calls himself Mister Fantastic.

MEET THE MOLEMAN

After a splash panel that ably sets the precedent for splash pages that are similar to the cover but not as good, we're taken back to the present day as Reed reveals that he wanted to show his companions some pictures. Ben - presumably now quite frustrated that a beta cuck like Reed is able to get women while he can't -  asks if they're pin-ups, but luckily we're spared the discovery of whether his dork is made from orange rock when Reed shows them to be of massive sink holes (which might actually still be porn to an angry rock monster) where atomic power plants once stood. Just then, Reed's radar machine begins pulsing steadily, announcing the arrival of yet another sink hole!

Meanwhile, in French Africa a couple of soldiers are caught unaware as the ground begins to throb and a sinkhole opens almost right under their feet. This being before the days of pointy brackets and "translated from..." foot notes, the impression of Frenchness is cemented by one of the soldiers being called Pierre and another declaring "sacre bleu!!" as they retreat from the yawning chasm. They watch helplessly as the atomic plant they were guarding disappears into the earth, and positively shit themselves when a massive green monster that totally doesn't resemble the Creature From The Black Lagoon for copyright reasons hauls its bulk up from the wreckage. Small arms fire won't touch it, so  they bring in the heavy artillery and shoot it from about 15 feet away... this is not only ineffective but also puts the guns in easy reach of the beasts crushing claws. A resounding tactical failure there, but on the plus side the disappearance of an entire nuclear power plant should provide enough distraction to save them having to answer any awkward questions. And as we leave the scene the mysterious Moleman, with a voice that somehow manages to be both 'shrill' and 'commanding', halts the beast and orders it to return to the Earth's core.

Back in Central City, Reed is able to extrapolate the location of the latest disaster from the single squiggly line on his radar's readout. Reed, as will be repeatedly established with zero subtlety for the next 50 years, is really fucking clever, and just to really drive that home works out a centre point to all the sink hole activity, the fabled Monster Isle. Ben, who at this point I think would probably argue with Reed if he said the sky was blue, scoffs at the idea of such a place but Sue suggests maybe actually going to look rather than assuming it's not real.

So they take their private jet and after several hours of flight find the island, which looks a bit like Ben, and find a place to land before climbing up the central peak. Of course Ben spents the climb whinging, but as they reach the top of the peak Reed hears something, and Sue realises that it's coming from below... has Ben been eating too many burritos? Do Johnny's flames have a gaseous ignition source? No! There's a giant three headed Michael Gove making its way up from the depths, proving that Monster Isle isn't just a name.

Sue turns invisible as the beast chases her and Reed takes advantage of the ensuing confusion to lasso the monster and throw it out to sea. Because he's super strong as well as super stretchy, apparently. As it splashes down he mentions that he'd heard about the giant three-headed monster guarding the island but before the other three have the chance to shout "YOU MIGHT HAVE MENTIONED THAT BEFORE, YOU RUBBER BAND PRICK" the ground gives way beneath Reed and Johnny and they plummet down a crevasse.

Luckily for both Reed's cosmic elasticity also allows him to become a parachute, which is also a lot better than the other option where Johnny flames on to fly out, carrying Reed's charred corpse with him. Finding themselves in pitch darkness at the bottom of the pit, Johnny declares that that he can "feel something", which is legitimately not a euphemism, because he's found a "trap door in the wall", or a "door" as everybody else would say, and as it opens the pair are confronted with a light so bright it renders them unconscious.

Some time later they wake up wearing blue onesies with integral balaclavas for some reason, but they still can't see due to the glare from The Valley of Diamonds, as they are informed by The Moleman.

THE MOLEMAN'S SECRET

Meanwhile Sue is in full Hand-On-Forehead tragedy mode over Reed as a monster who's design brief appears to have been "I dunno, fucking rocks or something" clambers over the ridge behind her. But her delicate female form is spared from having to do anything action-y when Ben strips down to his worryingly brown pants, charges in and makes short work of the creature before throwing it into the sea. Then, apparently, he puts his disguise back on and he and Sue go off to try and find Reed and Johnny.

Speaking of whom, because that last one-and-a-half pages was simply too much time away from the heroes, they have been taken to the Moleman's lounge/throneroom where he sits in a comfy armchair with matching pouffe, surrounded by artworks and wastes no time in monologuing his origin story at Reed and Johnny.

You see, The Moleman once lived on the surface but found life difficult due to extreme ugliness (and while I can understand the fact he's not Otto Sump ugly, that the illustrated ugliness is very close to anti-Semitic stereotypes is really odd considering Kirby was Jewish) and after being rejected in romance, work and social interactions decides to go it alone in a way that your average MGTOW would envy from his mother's basement. Through trackless wastes and endless seas he journeys in search of the land at the centre of the Earth, and before you can say "that's not how it fucking works" he finds a cave entrance on Monster Isle (and at this point I wonder why Reed et al didn't just go there instead of climbing the mountain? NOT SO CLEVER NOW ARE YOU, RICHARDS?) and within finds the shaft that leads to the centre of the Earth. Which he promptly falls down and then goes blind.

Unable to see and with no transferable skills, he still managed to make the best of his situation and soon learned how to control the monsters he encountered - which might be some kind of satire of the "hard work always equals success" fallacy that forms part of the American Dream. Then, just determined to show off how damned manly he is nowadays he gives Reed (or Johnny, it's difficult to tell in those onesies) a quarterstaff and beats him up while boasting about his 'natural radar' that allows him to sense danger. Apparently this fight was his "first fatal mistake", but it's not really clear how.

Having defeated Reed-or-Johnny he reveals his dastardly plan: in which his tunnel network is used to destroy all the Earth's power stations, and once civilisation collapses his monsters will kill everybody in the world. Which, really, seems a bit fucking drastic a reaction to not being able to get a job or a date. Just then Sue and Ben turn up having somehow found their way to the Mole Man's lair, but just as Ben reaches their diminutive foe a bell tolls and the monster we saw in Africa emerges from a massive trapdoor.

MONSTER MASH

Johnny, having inexplicably not tried this already, flames on, burns his way out of the onesie, and distracts the monster by flying about the room. Reed also suddenly realises he can just take the suit off, and not a moment too soon because the Moleman is attempting to escape! Of course Reed is stretcher than than the time Stevie McStretch had to be carried off in a stretcher after stretching to hard, and thus is apparently able to completely defeat Moleman's "radar sense" and capture him.

Yes, I have been waiting to use this gif ever since I started
writing this post. 

With the Moleman captive in Reed's arms, the Four race for the surface... but unfortunately pass another bell pull on the way, allowing Moleman to unleash yet more monsters at our heroes. However, they still manage to escape when Johnny uses his flame power to collapse the tunnel behind them and they fly away in a completely different aeroplane to the one they arrived in. As they make their way back to Central City Reed reveals that he left the Moleman behind for no fucking reason, and on the horizon a massive explosion signals the end of Monster Isle forever. Because as we've learned, nobody throws their toys out of the pram like Moleman does!

And the story ends with Reed hoping Moleman finds peace, Sue hoping they have indeed seen the last of him, and the audience being disappointed that the battle depicted on the cover was actually really inaccurate.

Join me next time as I set my spidey-senses tingling with Amazing Fantasy #15

*Obviously the Human Torch here is a different Human Torch to the Human Torch that was introduced in 1939. Had social media been around in the early 60s it would no doubt have been full of angry nerds claiming that changing the character from an android to a teenager is pandering to young people or something.
**After taking credit for other people's ideas.