Two blog posts in a row where I think the covers are genuinely iconic? I mean, there really isn't a lot to take the piss out of here; it gets to the point and while it almost certainly doesn't depict anything that actually occurs in the comic, at least the action isn't so completely overblown it'll end up being kind of disappointing when the events of the story don't match up. And apparently the issue has a message from the editor. Exciting stuff!!
SPIDER-MAN!
On the splash page Peter Parker stands dejected as a group of his peers take the piss out of his inability to dance. On the wall behind him we can see the silhouettes of a spider, and a man striking a heroic pose, foreshadowing (HOHO!) what is to come.It's okay though, because Peter's elderly aunt* and uncle thinks he's great. Ben wakes him up for school with great enthusiasm, then May makes his favourite breakfast: wheatcakes! Which I presume are like pancakes with all the fun removed. Ben jokes that she'd best not fatten "Petey" up too much, because he's already having trouble wrestling with the lad. And from this scene of domestic bliss we learn that Peter's aunt and uncle are completely oblivious to all of their nephew's troubles.
In school he's praised for his diligence by a teacher who looks disconcertingly like Mr. Bronson from Grange Hill, but as we all know being a teacher's pet doesn't exactly endear a student to their peers, and Parker's attempt to ask Sally on a date is scuppered by her interest in one Flash Thompson, who has a big capital T on his jumper, possibly so he doesn't forget his name. Desperately he asks another group if they'd like to join him at the science hall, but they zoom off in their car leaving some top bants in their wake.
Upset, Peter makes his way to the exhibit - which all about experiments in radioactivity (because fuck health and safety) - and vows that they'll be sorry they ever laughed at him, which is kind of veering into super villain territory, but also not terribly surprising given Ditko's love for Ayn Rand.
DOES WHATEVER A SPIDER CAN!
A small crowd, with not a safety measure between them, gathers before an apparatus that will demonstrate how the lab controls radioactive rays. But unseen by either spectator or scientist a spider, minding its own business, descends between the emitters and is exposed to a "fantastic amount" of radiation. In its death throes the spider bites the "nearest living thing", which for reasons of narrative causality isn't actually the nearest living thing, but Peter Parker. Complaining that he feels unwell, Peter stumbles out of the lab while the scientist cheerfully quips that maybe the experiment unnerved young Parker. Which just shows that he's so low in the pecking order that even pro-nerds make fun of him.
Outside his fingers turn yellow and as he marvels** at this development he narrowly avoids being run over by instincively jumpin up the side of a building and finding that he's able to climb it with ease using only his bare hands. As he reaches the roof he crushes a steel pipe and realises that his newfound power must be a result of the spider bite before climbing down a cable. He says to himself that he needs time to think and to work out what to do with his new powers, which lasts all of a few minutes when he sees a sign promising $100 to any man who can last three minutes with Crusher Hogan (not a euphemism).
Peter changes his clothes at home and, wearing a stocking mask like some second-rate villain off The Sweeney, returns to the wrestling ring to challenge Hogan (who looks like Brian Glover and in my head therefore speaks with a broad Yorkshire accent). Hogan, of course, thinks this will be an easy fight, but Peter's newfound powers soon disabuse him of that notion and the poor wrestler is easily defeated, though Ditko's ability to draw perspective is the real victim here; acheiving Kirby-esque levels of wonkyness when Peter drops Hogan onto the mat.
The crowd loves it, and after the bout Peter is approached by a 'TV producer' who couldn't look like more of a spiv if he was being played by a young George Cole and carrying a sign saying 'spiv', but innocent Peter takes his card and sets about creating a proper wrestling persona. Back home May and Ben bring him milk and crackers, which is exactly the sort of snack you'd expect from people who think wheatcakes are a nice breakfast. Over the course of an evening he makes the Spider-Man costume (which, for some reason as he's not planning on becoming a super hero at this point, he makes light enough to wear under his clothes) and invents both web formula and web shooters; and in a bold move which makes him unique amongst Marvel scientists he not only tests them, but they actually work with no dire side effects.
SPINS A WEB ANY SIZE!
Okay, so it turns out the 'TV producer' really is a TV producer; clearly just one who just finds it a bit challenging to not look like somebody who would swear on their granny's life that the car they're selling at a suspiciously low price isn't a cut & shunt job and really did have one careful owner who only took it down the shops on pension day. Peter, meanwhile, is astounding a television crew by crawling up the walls, putting a candle out with his web shooters and hanging from the studio ceiling. The producer cuts the filming short, with the advice that the audience should always be left begging for more. Which pretty much means The Amazing Spider-Man show will start to wear out its gimmick by the third episode.As he evades the attention of a crowd of journalists and Hollywood people, a thief runs pasted the still-becostumed Peter with a cop in pursuit. Alas Peter doesn't want to use his newfound power responsibly, and lets the criminal escape. The cop, understandably pissed off, has a go at Peter, but Peter - emboldened by his costume - says he's just looking out for number one, and responds to a threat of arrest with a wave and a "whatevs" type response.
Back home, Ben and May have bought Peter a microscope. It's at this point I notice that Ben and May have exactly the same face...
Aaaanyway... Spider-Man's fame just keeps on growing. He even wins an award, though it doesn't specify which so I'm assuming it isn't one of the good ones. But, of course, this bubble is about to burst, and as Peter returns home from a personal appearance he learns that Ben has been shot dead by a burglar who is now besieged in the old Acme warehouse. He runs up to his room, dons the Spider-Man costume (which, surely he would be wearing already on account of the personal appearance and the whole bit where he specifically made the suit to be wearable under his normal clothes. But I digress), and makes his way to the warehouse.
CATCHES CROOKS JUST LIKE FLIES!
Amazingly, nobody notices the enormously famous Spider-Man swinging his way across the city, not even the police who are actively watching the Acme warehouse. Inside Spider-Man confronts the burglar, who takes great pains to ensure his face isn't seen by anybody. At this point we learn that the burglar doesn't have a television, read the news or go to the cinema because his response to seeing a red-and-blue suited man climbing the wall is disbelief.With a thwip of his web Spider-Man disarms the criminal, and then punches him out. Only then does he realise that the burglar who shot his uncle is the thief he allowed to escape only days before!
Peter ties the unconscious fugitive up in a web and leaves him dangling for the cops to find, and a short distance away has the stark realisation that had he not been so self-centred his uncle may yet be alive! The last panel shows Peter walking away in full emo, and he has indeed learned that thing about power and responsibility.
Stay tuned for the next bold adventure into The Negative Zone as I X-amine an X-traordinary comic: The X-Men #1
*No inappropriate comments from Tony Stark here!
**YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE.
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