Doc Bruce Banner
Belted by gamma rays
Turns into the Hulk
Ain't he un-glamour-ays?
Leaving Iron Man behind for the time being, it's time to introduce the next hero in the original Avengers line up: the ever-lovin' Hulk! (Hulk! Hulk!)
You should expect the incredulity levels to be turned up for this post, as I've not read Incredible Hulk #1 before; my existing knowledge of early Hulk being based entirely on seeing repeats of the 1960s cartoon and the accompanying 'fond' memories of its animation and the dubious rhyming of the theme song.
"The strangest man of all time!!" Declares the cover, as we see an improbably trousered nerd quivering before the gigantic secret love child of Marlon Brando and Boris Karloff, while monochrome army types a token woman look on in awe. "Is he man or monster or... is he both?" Well, if the "fantasy as you like it!" tagline holds true he will not only be both but there'll be some decent body horror to boot; but as this is a 1960s comic approved by the CCA I suspect not...
PART 1: THE HULK
In keeping with Marvel's style at the time the first page of the comic sees the Marlon Karloff advancing towards the fourth wall. Or possibly dancing as there's a certain Twist-y quality to his pose. Either way there's little sense of the "thundering" promised by the accompanying blurb, more a saunter, but I guess "the mighty Hulk bimbles..." isn't as poetic an image.THE EXPOSITIVE HULK
In the deepest desert scientists have erected a giant nuclear phallus, called the G-Bomb, and in the safety of a concrete bunker Dr. Bruce Banner and a team of scientists await the test firing of his enormous atomic cock. However, not all the scientists are keen because Banner hasn't shared his knowledge of gamma rays, making them concerned about potential danger. In fact from what we've seen of Tony Stark so far we can now surmise that keeping vital information secret is common among the scientific community of Earth-616, which makes me wonder whether Earth-616 is rich in Narrativium...But with a snap of "quiet Igor" (no idea if this is a pisstake or if it's the dude's real name) Banner points out the arrival of General Ross (because naturally the G-Bomb will be part of the arms race against the EVIL FUCKING COMMIES). Ross is displeased with delays to the test and, going by the fact he seems to have been drawn with his mouth full expresses this by spraying sandwich at them. (And so also is now played by Dudley Moore for the rest of this film.)
Banner explains that he just wants to follow proper safety precautions (with the notable exception of actually telling anyone else how it works) but Ross is all "fuck you, nerd" because he wants results NOW. Betty, Ross' daughter, comes to Banners defence but Ross is all "fuck you, woman" because "this is man talk!" And so the shouting done with Banner starts the count down, while Igor (not a piss take then...) points out that Banner can still share the secret of the gamma rays, but just with him rather than the scientific community in general. Hmmm... with that name, and those eyebrows and that keenness to know the secret might Igor in fact be an EVIL FUCKING COMMIE?
BELTED BY GAMMA RAYS
The countdown underway Banner spots a car driving onto the test site (because fuck adequate security) and rushes to warn the reckless driver, leaving Igor to delay the countdown... but Igor has his own ideas and plans to deliberately end Banner... by not delaying the countdown!Reaching the test site Banner yells a warning to the harmonica playing moron, who apparently snuck past the guards in a bright red car (because fuck adequate traning) as a bet. Meanwhile the countdown has continued unabated and though the troublesome teen makes it to the safety of a protective trench, Banner has no such luck and dies of massive radiation poisoning...
Or not, because as much of the internet doesn't seem to realise accurate science makes terrible stories. Hours later Banner comes to his senses, having apparently absorbed ALL the gamma rays. He was rescued by the grateful teenager, one Rick Jones, and brought to a hospital where there are in apparent isolation. Rick fiddles with a radio, complaining about the static, and an agitated Banner points out that actually it's a Geiger counter* and that "it's going wild!"
The clicking of the counter intensifies as Banner transforms from the mild-mannered scientists into a beast of
PART 2: THE HULK STRIKES
Exploited by greedy fat cat bosses the Hulk downs tools and refuses to work any... no? Okay then. The Hulk hides from searching soldiers** who helpfully coin the now familiar name, while back at the base General Ross inspects the damage, wondering whether the Hulk might have done something to Banner and Jones, who even at that moment are coming to a cabin which houses Banner's laboratory, a laboratory that is being ransacked by none other than Igor as he searches for the Secret of the Gamma Rays.That's what you get for employing people called Igor during the Cold War, Banner!
The Hulk ignores the surprised Igor's gunshots and body slams him into a table revealing the Secret of the Gamma Rays taped to the bottom of a conical flask, because clearly the best place to hide a file is on the bottom of something transparent that would look odd if it wasn't sitting completely flat on the bench. Jones speculates that these are Banners notes while the Hulk wonders why he knows the name... and then he spies a photograph of Banner (who apparently is really fucking vain as well as a nerd) but he hates it; it is weak, but it's also him!
As the Hulk remembers who he really is dawn breaks and the transformation is reversed, leaving Weakling Banner standing in the wreckage of his lab just as General Ross barges in!
PART 3: THE SEARCH FOR THE HULK
The soldiers quickly find the semi-conscious Igor, who apparently they knew was a spy based on basically fuck all evidence except the name and eyebrows, and conclude he was in cahoots with the Hulk, who the soldiers are speculating may have been a giant ape (is it racist if Man-Ape is a white guy?) or a giant bear (because Russians). Banner is comforted by Betty Ross, who in addition to having unfettered access to nuclear tests was also not evacuated from the base, but Banner just wants quiet and after some awkward (really awkward) flirting sees her out before getting really fucking emo about becoming the Hulk again at nightfall.PART 4: ENTER... THE GARGOYLE
Of course it is finally revealed that Igor is, in fact, and EVIL FUCKING COMMIE. Who didn't see that one coming a mile off? But although he is in jail he is not done yet for hidden in his thumbnail is a tiny transistor-powered radio, capable of sending messages thousands of miles to the USSR itself, if only they'd thought to use them in power armour like Tony Stark would only a year later!The message is received and passed between increasingly reluctant EVIL FUCKING COMMIES before reaching the Gargoyle, a sort of hunchback baby thing with Leonid Brezhnev's eyebrows***. The Gargoyle is intrigued by Igor's message about the Hulk and orders immediate transport to America via... rocket... because fuck it, why not? I guess when you're that feared and that hideous it's difficult to sort a fake passport and travel by conventional means. The US' RADAR systems detect the rocket and it is intercepted but not before dropping its misshapen cargo into the desert (which was accompanied by the realisation that I actually remember this bit from the cartoon. Cool story, me.)
Meanwhile Bruce and Rick are driving a Jeep out into the desert, so the inevitable transformation can occur in relative safety, but as Rick wonders about the contrast between the brainy scientist and the brutish Hulk night falls and even as he drives Doc. Bruce Banner turns into the Hulk. The Hulk cares not for road safety and crashes the vehicle before deciding the thing to do is go looking for Betty, all the while observed by... Phil Mitchell!
A short distance away Betty Ross is mooning over Bruce Banner in front of the fireplace and General Ross, not feeling the need to be all macho when there aren't nerds to intimidate and soldiers to impress, offers some comfort and sends her out for fresh air... right into not only the Hulk's clutches, but those of the Gargoyle as well!
PART 5: THE HULK TRIUMPHANT
Talking about himself in the third person, the weird-looking kid from that episode of Star Trek shoots the Hulk and Rick Jones with mind control pellets and orders them to follow him, accidentally leaving the unconscious Betty Ross behind, where after a short while she is discovered by her father who vows to destroy the Hulk.The Gargoyle and his prisoners, with the aid of a mind-controlled truck driver reach an EVIL FUCKING COMMIE submarine, secretly lying off the coast of MURRICA and using a more conventional aircraft they make their way back to the lands behind the Iron Curtain. As they travel the mighty Hulk turns back to puny Banner and Patrick Moore, apparently not noticing that Banner is wearing the same clothes (not to mention the fact they were in a fucking plane) is initially confused as to where the Hulk went, but the penny soon drops and they are taken to a prison cell where, having changed from green overalls to blue for some reason, the Gargoyle breaks down in tears.
EMO FUCKING COMMIES
In an unexpected display of three-dimensional villain chracterisation it turns out the Gargoyle doesn't revel in his monstrousness and pretty fucking appalled that someone would want to be a monster, not realising that his own minions actions were what caused Banner's transformations. But maybe Banner can make him normal again, using the magical healing properties of... radiation!
The machine is made, a monster lies down on the bed... and a man arises! (Snrrk.) The No-Longer-A-Gargoyle gets to his feet and shakes his fist at a giant picture of Nikita Khrushchev, blaming Russia's nuclear testing for his formerly hideous appearance.
Shortly afterwards an EVIL FUCKING COMMIE officer is on the telephone with "Comrade K", telling him of their triumph in securing America's top atomic scientist, but the elation doesn't last long as a soldier bursts into the room in a cloud of yellow smoke reporting that the prisoners have vanished, along with the Gargoyle! Seeing the Gargoyle's personal escape rocket whooshing into the sky the EVIL FUCKING COMMIES break into his office to look for clues and are confronted by...
Yul Brynner!
Knowing he is to die, for the radioactive cure for his condition stripped him of of his former intelligence and thus most of his usefulness, the former Gargoyle has allowed Banner and Jones to escape, and as the EVIL FUCKING COMMIES stand in wonderment he presses the button which destroys their base! Banner, observing from the rocket, wonders if this might be the end of RED TYRANNY as well as the Gargoyle (it's Marvel, so probably not), as they make their way back to American soil...
NOTE: I feel it's worth mentioning at this point that aside from the odd plot hole and the galloping -isms present in some comics the early Silver Age Marvel stuff actually tends to be quite an enjoyable read, to the point where I was at various points struggling to muster up enough sarcasm about this comic.
Next Time: Journey into Mystery #83 featuring the debut of Thor!
*In current continuity Rick Jones is an expert hacker who can even get into S.H.I.E.L.D's most secret files... I guess everybody has to start somewhere.
**Seriously though, first teenagers in red cars and now giant grey men... did they basically assign the least observant soldiers in the US Army to this base?
***Combining this data with that gathered in Tales of Suspense #39 I therefore conclude that eyebrow size is directly proportional to the exact levels of FUCKING EVIL possessed by EVIL FUCKING COMMIES.
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