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THEM!
And the first page doesn't disappoint. No caption, no description, just a continuation of the cover image, depicting the man being herded deeper into the ant hill by his captors. I mean, the CCA weren't keen on horror but this sure as hell seems like horror to me. And I'm already in danger of enjoying this comic enough to analyse it properly instead of just swearing, so I'd best move on.Henry Pym, looking far more like a total fucking lunatic than any other non-evil scientist we've so far met, holds a test tube and declares to apparently nobody that "it works!"
"It" is shrinking a chair to miniscule size, and with a drop of growth potion* he restores it to its normal size, this is truly the greatest moment of his career! But it's not all been fun and shrinking, for in a flashback we learn that the scientific community is not a fan of Pym's work. They want him to turn his hand to more practical things (which, I presume, means discovering new ways of killing EVIL FUCKING COMMIES), but he's having none of it and declares he's going to work on his new invention. Though he won't tell them what it is because they're stinky meanies, but when it's finished he'll show them... he'll show them all! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN
Pym isolates himself in his lab and when he's not creating Ultron then forgetting about it (which is another story, and probably happened at a different time, but I wanted to reference it. No you shut up.) he perfects his serum and imagines the possibilities... food shipments reduced to the size of matchboxes! Whole armies that can be transported in an aeroplane (useful for dealing with EVIL FUCKING COMMIES, no doubt)! However, there is one final test to be performed... a test on a living subject: Hank Pym himself!**In what is frankly a fucking amazing display of scientific precision Pym pours serum from the test tube onto himself... I mean, we learned about using pipettes for stuff in fucking Year 7, and surprise surprise, Pym ends up shrinking too fast! In a panic he races around the lab, and soon finds himself outside via an open door; because obviously when you're conducting secret experiments you'd do it at home with the back door open. Obviously. Pym cries out in fear, but realises his squeaky little voice is inaudible to anyone who can rescue him... but unfortunately for him, it's not inaudible to the red ants living in his back yard...
Pym's shrinkage ceases and he notices the ants observing him from a nearby anthill, and soon they give chase... Pym, seeing that trying to outrun them is hopeless decides the best thing to do is hide. In the ant hill.
Fucking seriously, this is some Prometheus level reasoning right here... "things are going bad! So I'll do the most idiotic thing I can possibly do right now!" (My theory about Prometheus is that the scientific community didn't take Wayland's mission seriously, so he ended up with every dickhead who had somehow managed to scrape their way to getting a degree but otherwise was a complete bellend. Right now, Hank Pym strikes me as just such a person.)
Running through the dark tunnels Pym fails to see the deep shaft (hurr) gaping (hurr) in front of him and falls headlong into a pit of honey. Because apparently on Earth-616 ants have stores of honey, so presumably these ants spend their time nipping into beehives, stealing honey, and bringing it back to their lair. I'm not an entomologist, I have no idea if it happens in real life, and I'd be kind of disappointed to learn that it did because in my head these ants are fucking ninjas who risk life and limb against kamikaze arse daggers to get their food.
But I digress, Pym is now trapped in the honey and as he struggles to get free the more trapped he becomes (which is surprisingly legit for Marvel science as honey actually is a non-Newtonian fluid)! To make things worse an ant approaches, but unexpectedly pulls Pym free and appears to wish him no harm... which would have been useful had the rest of the chitinous horde not been closing in.
FIRE ANTS
Pym, however, spots a match, conveniently standing upright in the middle of the chamber... Jesus, we really have hit peak narrative causality here haven't we? Of fucking course there's a convenient match right there, and of fucking course there's a pebble Pym can throw at it, and... wait... Trouble Bubble? The fuck? Why is there the start of a text story right in the middle of this one? Anyway, moving on a page... and of fucking course the pebble strikes the match and starts a fire, allowing Pym to escape.
Instantly fashioning a lasso from... I haven't got a fucking clue, it could be his pubes for all I know... Pym begins to climb up to higher ground, only to be confronted by another ant, which grabs him! But Hank has a human brain and the knowledge of judo, which he's able to instantly adapt for use against a six legged foe with the strength of an ant (what with being an ant) and make good his escape.
EMBIGGEN
Emerging into daylight, Pym spots his enlarging serum sitting on a window sill, but of course there's no way for his tiny form to reach it... but wait, he recognises the ant which rescued him earlier (presumably he has the same prodigious recognition skills that the Stone Men from Thor do) and utilising even more narrative casuality he jumps on its back and is able to persuade it to carry him up to the window where after a quick bath in the stuff he returns to his normal size.
Pym, disheartened by his experiences, disposes of his potions, tells the other scientists they were right to doubt his flights of fancy, and promises to get on with more practical projects from now on (i.e. ways to kill EVIL FUCKING COMMIES)... and Hank Pym never stepped on an ant again!
Interestingly (to me, at least, your mileage may vary) this appears to have originally been a one-off story. It's not introducing this week's MOST AMAZING SUPER HERO EVER, or dealing with a threat to the entire world. It's just a mild horror about a scientist shrinking himself. My next scheduled story is the first appearance of Wasp (thus rounding off the original Avengers line-up), but I may swear at the first proper Ant-Man tale mid-week if I have time.
Tara!
*Genuine Science Term
**Really, who didn't see that coming a mile away?
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