Tales of Suspense #40 - MOAR IRON MAN

No, I'm not bored of this joke yet.

Ahead of astonishing you with the earliest adventure of the Incredible Hulk I've decided to bring you Iron Man's second outing.

Copyright Marvel

A slightly more grammatically sound cover shows a blingier-looking Iron Man shining a spotlight on a member of Manowar as he hefts a club at our hero; for, as clad in heavy metal as he is, Anthony Stark is both a wimp and a poser.

HEAVY METAL OR NO METAL AT ALL

Much like the last issue the first page treats us to a slightly different take on the cover, this time with added Manowar fans bowing at Joey Demaio's greatness; this time Iron Man isn't just saving a few Vietnamese villagers from EVIL FUCKING COMMIES though, he will be fighting a deadly battle to the death to save the entire world from TRUE METAL WARRIORS.

IRONCLAD EXPOSITION

Anthony Stark now leads a triple life! In an expansion of the background given last issue we learn that Mr. Stark is internationally recognised for his work on transistors as the International Society of Physicists presents him with an award for his work while serious men in lab coats (because physicists wear lab coats as any fule kno) look on seriously. But of course that doesn't stop him doing work for the US Government as they engage in the cold war against the EVIL FUCKING COMMIES; a general praises him for developing transistor powered rollerskates....

Fucking seriously...

I mean, the guy could be developing fucking POWER ARMOUR for the military, but instead gives them roller skates, which apparently allow the soldiers to travel at 60 miles per hour - because that's not completely terrifying for the user - and can be clamped to the foot with an ordinary skate key, because fuck ensuring they can't be used for lethal tomfoolery.



Of course, aside from being the best at science, Stark is also the best at millionaire playboying as we see when we're introduced to Jeanne, who seems unfazed when he makes excuses not to go for a late night swim; assuming he's got another date and just taking it in her stride, which is a surprisingly (though probably completely inadvertantly) progressive approach to monogamy from 60s Marvel. But we know better, as Tony Stark (we can call him that now because the comic did) returns to his hotel room "for a most unusual date with... an electric cord!"

Wait, what? Is the career of Iron Man going to be cut short as Tony dies in a bizarre auto-erotic accident?? NO! For Tony removes his shirt to reveal the high-tech breastplate that keeps his heart beating, and plugs it into the shaver socket in the bathroom for a recharge. He doesn't want people to know that he's Iron Man, which is fair enough, but how the hell does he wash under the chest plate? He must be fucking gopping by now, having had to make his way back from the jungle AND then just get on and do all the stuff he'd normally do, except having sex, which I guess would be pretty distressing for him in those pre-internet days; it's not like Tony Fucking Stark can pop down the corner shop and spend several minutes pretending to browse the motorsports mags before embarrassedly buying a copy of Razzle.

But all is not lost, because Tony can always work out his frustrations beating up baddies in the guise of...

IRON MAN

No villain, be they gangster or mad scientist is safe from Iron Man! Or even escaped circus animals! Reassuring his date, Marian, that he's going to call the cops Stark pulls his newly collapsible Iron Man suit from a briefcase and quickly dons it. Sadly, poor Iron Man in his featureless grey suit is just as feared as the villains he fights, but his despair doesn't last long for when he's done punching leopards in the face and has changed back into his normal clothes Marian muses that maybe Iron Man would be more popular if he were GOLD!

His date over Stark immediately sets about covering his suit in gold paint (presumably he did the unremovable breastplate using a fake tan booth), and Jesus Christ they drew eyes staring out of the helmet which is fucking creepy when you consider that over the last two issues there have already been several closeups showing Stark's own eyes peering out of the thing. With the job done Stark admires his handiwork in a mirror, not forgetting to drop in a little casual sexism about how only a woman could have come up with making something look nice, which also kind of suggests if left to his own devices Iron Man eventually would have ended up bright orange with go faster stripes and a rear spoiler or something.

DO NOT ENTRY

The following Saturday Marian isn't at the airport and Tony learns that G-G-G-Granville, Marian's home town, has suddenly cut itself off from the world following the building of a great big wall! Because walls totally stop planes taking off or landing.

Iron Man arrives on the scene and explains Generic Local Law Enforcement why he's suddenly done up like Donald Trump's lifts (because priorities) before digging under the wall using a tiny transistor powered drill, which probably took a while because no matter how powerful the motor a tiny drill would take a fucking age to make an Iron Man sized tunnel. He bursts forth from the ground with the drill hilariously attached to his middle finger only to be chased into a building by citizens terrified of the wrath of...

GARGANTUS!

Emerging from the other side of the building (without using the door, because fuck doors) he finds the townspeople worshiping a huge statue. In fact he gapes in astonishment, which is no mean feat when you're wearing a featureless mask! Then, suddenly noticed again by the good folks of G-G-G-Granville, Iron Man decides to go in for a bit of vandalism and pushes a ten ton truck into the statue, demolishing it, but to no avail as the apparently hypnotised people continue worshiping at the pile of rubble. So kind of like the Tate Modern.

Iron Man soars up to a nearby roof and using a minuscule, transistor powered PA system issues a challenge to this Gargantus, who duly responds with his own mighty display of might before attempting to hypnotise our gilt armoured hero, his eyes like mirrors reflecting the sun.

But wait! There is no sun to reflect, for a black cloud hangs over the town, not moving despite the wind. Iron Man leaps off the building, with Gargantus in hot pursuit, pausing briefly as he notices that Marian has been hypnotised too! He leads Gargantus on a chase around the town, all the while loading up three miniature magnets with top hat transistors, multiplying their attracting power "by a thousand-fold!"

He throws the magnets, which hover around Gargantus and rend him asunder*, revealing that he was actually a giant robot! And as the hypnotic effect fades from the townspeople Tony probes (snrrk) the cloud with his searchlight which penetrates (Tony talks a lot about "erecting" and "probing" and "penetrating", which is probably a metaphor for his sexual frustration) the gloom, revealing a flying saucer!

Iron Man now throws the super powered magnets at the flying saucer, sending the aliens contained therein into a panic as they realise their plan has been foiled! The Earth has changed a lot since they first visited 80,000 years previously, and is no longer populated by neanderthals, which they presumably didn't notice before sending Gargantus down because fuck doing any kind of research or surveillance on a planet you're about to invade (and also raising the question why they didn't invade 80,000 years ago).

The alien threat dealt with Iron Man declares to the Generic Law Enforcement Officers (I mean, seriously generic; we only ever see the backs of their heads, leaving it questionable whether they even have faces) that things are now normal in G-G-G-Granville, and the next day Tony and Marian get to have their date after all. Aww.

Next Time: Incredible Hulk #1

*Unbeatable Squirrel Girl reference!