Tales of Suspense #39 - "IRON MAN!"

DUN DUN DUN DUH-DUH DUDDA-DUDDA-DUDDA-DUDDA DUN DUH DUHHHHH!

IRON MAN.

I am going to be literally this hilarious, if not moreso, for as long as I do this blog.

In a similar vein to the Marvel Cinematic Universe (henceforth referred to as Earth-199999 because multiverse) I'm kicking this whole thing off with Iron Man's first appearance in Tales of Suspense #39.

Copyright © Marvel

"Who? Or what, is the newest, most breath-taking, most sensational super hero of all...?" cries the cover, with a devil-may-care approach to punctuation and grammar. The enigmatic Iron Man is introduced with a full-body picture of him ready for action, and three panels really driving home the MYSTERY of who (or what) Iron Man is... and he (or it) really does appear to be iron, rocking a sort of earless Cyberman in wellies look (yes, I know Cybermen didn't turn up on Doctor Who for another three years, but he (or it) does look like that and it's my blog.)

IRON MAN IS BORN!

Just in case we weren't sure what the comic is about the first page is a big picture of the mysterious Iron Man hauling his way thru* rocks while, presumably, listening to the radio as he has a shoulder aerial extended. And the accompanying text fucking BODES. Today we will meet IRON MAN!

But not before we meet Anthony Stark in his secluded laboratory where, we are informed by a conversational guard, he is working on something the EVIL FUCKING COMMIES** "would give their eye teeth" to know about. And it turns out he's working on...

TRANSISTORS!

The dashing scientist is showing off his tiny transistors to an Army officer (snrrk), tiny transistors which can "increase the force of any device" to apparently ludicrous levels (as well as being smaller and easier to maintain than thermionic valves, because we can all see where this little scene is going and Iron Man would be shit if his suit had to accommodate valves) and this is demonstrated by using a small magnet to rip open a vault door! Arc reactors? Who needs them when you have STARK'S MAGIC TRANSISTORS.

But that's not all, it turns out Stark is also a rich playboy! ALL the women want to be with him! He's clever AND rich AND handsome! But he is also destined to become the "most tragic figure on Earth" because, you know, apparently that's a thing that can happen when you're wealthy, shagging gorgeous women and working lucrative government contracts.

THE ACTUAL BEGINNING!

But all that proves to be just so much exposition as we're introduced to Racist Stereotype Villain Wong-Chu, leader of the Red Guerillas, who has just sacked a village in 'Nam and is challenging his prisoners to a wrestling match in exchange for their freedom, because of course that's a thing a despotic tyrant would do and after he defeats the village's strongest men we are treated to a close up of his face just so we know how EVIL, and CHINESE he is. And there's a bonus EVIL CHINESE guy in the background with a red star on his cap just in case we hadn't worked out that Wong-Chu and his Red Guerillas are EVIL FUCKING COMMIES.

Not to worry though because Anthony Stark is there to save some plucky non-Commie Vietnamese soldiers using his "midget transistors" which he's utilised in making miniature artillery... of course he needs to be there to make sure they work properly (because fuck testing) and so he can fix them if they go wrong (because fuck telling anyone else how to maintain your stuff), but not to worry they work perfectly! The EVIL FUCKING COMMIES are in retreat! Hooray for Anthony Stark! Who is actually wearing a suit and loafers in the jungle! And is about to walk into a trip wire!

One booby trap later Stark is laid up in the headquarters of the EVIL FUCKING COMMIES. Who, in broken English, provide us with exposition about Stark's condition (not good, due to shrapnel) and their plan (not good, due to evil) to use him before he dies to make the ULTIMATE WEAPON from... er... scrap iron. Stark, of course, has a better idea and it's a race against the clock to get the plans sorted before the shrapnel reaches his heart!

Vietnam, racism, the desire to live, Robert Downey Jr. All in one GIF.

 

IRON MAN IS ACTUALLY BORN!

Luckily the EVIL FUCKING COMMIES have also captured Professor Yinsen, the greatest physicist ever who in a massive plot twist is Asian without also being a racist stereotype, and thanks to Stark's abilities to make transistors MacGuyver style they get working on the "iron man" Stark has been planning for literally hours! However, the shrapnel is still making its way to Stark's heart, and later, just before it's too late, Stark dons the suit safe in the knowledge that, once charged, the transistors will keep his heart beating. Because apparently transistors can do that with a heart which has shrapnel in it. But while the suit's charging a warning light Stark and Yinsen installed goes off! Wong-Chu approaches! So Yinsen provides a distraction by pretending to go crazy and is shot, or at least somebody shouts "BANG!", and while his lifeless body is dragged off the Iron Man swears his vengeance!

This doesn't get old.

Within seconds the suit has sufficient charge, Stark's heart is beating! He is alive! ALIVE!

The transistors are tuned into Stark's brainwaves, because apparently he can also do that with scrap iron, but nevertheless he falls over as he still has to learn how to operate the suit (and as he's been a prisoner in the jungle for several days we can be sure this is the truth rather than just Stark being shitfaced). Lucky for Stark he learns just in time for Wong-Chu is outside with his men, battering the down! Because somehow Yinsen locked it and Wong-Chu doesn't have a key to his own workshop.

Nevertheless Stark has time to brood. He is more human than human, but he must stay in the suit forever or DIE! Which I guess makes him a pretty tragic figure but overall still less tragic than, say, Yinsen who is ACTUALLY dead*** and isn't super wealthy with lucrative government contracts. Basically, at this point, I think we can assume Stark's real tragedy is that he's going to have less sex in future.

No time for moping though, for Wong-Chu is still at the door! Good thing Yinsen and Stark thought to put suction cups and air-jets into the suit so with a mighty leap he sticks himself to the ceiling while the EVIL FUCKING COMMIES decide he's already escaped, Wong-Chu orders his men to  search for him while he goes off to have a wrestle because... reasons... I guess. Stark grabs his coat and hat and gets ready for his revenge!

Meanwhile, in the courtyard, Wong-Chu beats up another hapless prisoner but he hasn't long to celebrate his victory before a voice issues a challenge! And then offers to remove its clothes! Which nobody seems to think is an unusual turn of phrase. Wong-Chu suddenly seems a lot less cocky and Iron Man easily bests the EVIL FUCKING COMMIE thanks to his transistor powered suit. Wong-Chu is no longer afraid, he is fucking pissed and orders his men to...

DESTROY IRON MAN!

Bullets don't penetrate the cast iron skin! Wong-Chu yells for grenades and bazookas while Iron Man reverses the polarity of the neutron flow the charge on a magnetic turbo-insulator (whatever the fuck that is) and uses a top hat transistor to make it even more powerful. What I'm learning here is there's a definable scale of transitor power on Earth-616: tiny transistors are less powerful than midget transistors which are less powerful than top hat transistors, which I presume is some kind of electronic version of the class sketch.

The grenades and rockets veer away from Iron Man and while the EVIL FUCKING COMMIES flee in disarray Wong-Chu attempts to rally them using a loudspeaker but Iron Man's ever growing array of things he was able to build in a few days from scrap iron includes the ability to reduce the broadcast to static and then transmit his own voice, ordering the EVIL FUCKING COMMIES to retreat into the jungle while he goes to deal with their pyjama-clad leader. Cutting his way into the building with a minature power saw, he is surprised by a thrown filing cabinet, but this proves no match for his Amazing Fucking Transistors, although not quickly enough to stop Wong-Chu and just to make things more difficult his batteries are running low!

Quickly he unfastens his lubricating apparatus (snrrk) and squirts oil at the EVIL FUCKING COMMIES' ammo dump, which Wong-Chu is heading for, and ignites it with a handheld blowtorch, blowing the whole lot up, including Wong-Chu. WIN. And then, because they were running out of space and Marvel of this era seemed quite keen on telling rather than showing, we learn that Iron Man recharged his batteries and freed the prisoners; and Yinsen's death has been avenged!

So, clad again in his hat and coat, Stark/Iron Man wanders back into the benighted jungle, pondering his future in the third person: what will become of him? What trials and adventures will await?

"Time alone will provide the answer!"

* It's how they spell it in the comics, fuck off.

** As opposed to BENEVOLENT FUCKING CAPITALISTS.

*** Although this is Marvel so he's probably come back to life at least twice and gained his own super powers in the intervening 54 years.